I am sorry you are going through this.
I don't really want to do that but I also don't really know how I should respond to this.
Well... You need feedback from him at this point. You could ASK HIM. Where's his head at here? But come clean and with an attitude of "let's sort this out" and not with an attitude of "you rat fink! GRRR!"
The initial agreement had evidence of not being well written.
We had a big blowout several months ago because when we first opened, we agreed that it would just be sex and no other relationships.
That bold part just NOT a realistic, reasonable thing. People cannot control feelings. They bubble up and ensue after behavior. They CAN control how they behave in response to those feelings though.
You guys made an agreement that was not realistic. (First Behavior)
He become this woman's lover. (Next Behavior).
He had feelings ensue and bubble up for her. (New Feelings.)
But the agreement left him NO place to go to air that out. He was just supposed to NOT have the feelings at all.
So he kept them to himself then and chose silence. (New Behavior)
So when you noticed changes in him (observation behavior)
and you felt weird. (New feelings)
the agreement left you no space to talk to him in. If he's supposed to NOT HAVE the feelings at all, why would you ever have need to talk about it? You don't ever need to deal with it, right? So you guys never planned ahead to cover that potential need -- your need to be able to talk to him about feelings of his that "just do not exist." It could just as easily have been the other way around with YOU struggling with feelings for a new lover.
You chose to snoop rather than ask him straight up or ask to change the agreement to address the need for space to air things out. (New behavior)
Because this agreement you made was limiting for you both.
Now you feel confused and ugh from unwelcome knowledge. (New Feeling)
Now you get to pick a NEW behavior to see if better feelings will ensue.
I don't think you are bad people -- but this agreement you made was just not a good well designed agreement to begin with. The agreement did not help you to be your best selves and be in right relationship to each other or help you to choose good behavior toward the partner.
So new behavior choices at THIS crossroads to aid in better emotional management:
1) We can fuss about the poorly designed agreement that was broken and "assign blame" and "who was worse". Spend time sidelined on blue feeling things and go round in circles some to see who is the bluest.
2) We can accept we made a poorly designed agreeement that failed us both. We both accept we both feel blue. We address the original behavior that wasn't working. And take the opportunity to move things forward and change this agreement.
I'd go with move it forward and CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. How
you guys change is up to you.
If you choose that behavior #2 you could own your part of it and apologize for snooping and open the discussion. Maybe it could be something like...
1) Yes, I peeked. I am sorry.
2) I found unwelcome knowledge. So let's talk.
3) Where is your head now? Since this message is a month old? Are we done with the poly experiment?
- Have you come to find that you are monoamorous in your wiring and wish to part ways? If so, let's talk about a sensible, sane, quick divorce so we both get to the Healing Place as soon as possible.
- Have you come to find that you are monoamorous in your wiring and wish to be with just me and we need to talk about CLOSING the marriage? If so, let's talk and sort how that might look for us.
- Have you come to find that you are polyamorous but need things adjusted? Because this open model is NOT the model? If so, let's talk and sort out how that might look. Learn about other models.
4) Again, I apologize for peeking. I own my part in creating this agreement that was just not a good fit for either of us. I own my part in not great communication as things arose and changed. I should have spoken up rather than peek and ask you for clear communication.
I prefer up front, honest communication from this point forward. I'm willing to grow those skills. So let's talk and set an appointment for a good long talk on this. Thank you.
It's not fun to feel all this right now, but BREATHE. Take it one thing at a time. And move it forward. Sometimes taking sensible, solid action to move things forward is better than what iffing and staying stuck.
Hang in there. It's rough.