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Old 11-30-2012, 01:03 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,522

Originally Posted by Mercurial View Post
...Complicating matters further is a young gentleman I've recently met through mutual friends (including, ironically, my girlfriend). He and I felt a spark immediately and have gone on a few dates. He is aware that I am currently living poly, but has said that an ideal situation for him would be monogamous. He is a very recent acquaintance to be sure, but he and I have fallen hard and fast for eachother, and with me already considering returning to monogamy when we met, it has become a perfect storm. The issue arises in that while he is sure of what would be ideal for him, I haven't the foggiest clue what I want. All involved (my current partners as well as "the new guy") have said that this is ultimately my decision, and they will understand, respect, and support whatever it is that I choose. If only I knew what that should be.

I do have tender feelings for those I am currently with, but being in his arms feels so right to me and I don't want to lose that feeling....

Whew! You have a lot going on. Stop. Breathe for a minute. Stop. Breathe again.

Sounds to me like you are caught up in the whirlwind if a new romance. (You can read tons of stuff on NRE here and elsewhere). It doesn't sound like there is any immediate reason to come to a conclusion - no one is pushing you for an answer right now. You have time to mull it over, practice some introspection, learn your own mind a bit, wait for the NRE flush to fade.

I'd probably recommend telling new guy that you don't know that monogamy will ever be a good fit for you and you are unwilling to make any major decisions while you are all caught up in the storm of emotions a new relationship brews. Personally, I would want to see how I felt about it when the rush of NRE wears off (12-18 months for me) and the feeling of being in his arms is comfortable instead of breathtaking.

I would be very careful, however, of leading him on/ letting him believe that you are "working toward" monogamy when you are unsure of this yourself. Better for him, in the long run, to adjust to a relationship with a poly person and later get the bonus of monogamy if that is what you decide after you have learned, for yourself, what you want, rather than holding on to the hope that you will come around and be crushed if it doesn't happen.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
SLeW: platonic girlfriend + BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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