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Old 11-30-2012, 11:29 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Don't assume anything about me. It is simple: we have choices to make, and we choose. We can choose or not to accept others' terms, we can choose or not to look inward and question our reactions to things, we can choose or not to continue in relationships where we are unhappy.
I was going to say something about choices, but that about sums it up.

I have chosen not to have children. The very reason being that I don't want to make that commitment, give up that time. Now you can sit there and call me selfish for that, and you know what? I would fully agree. I'm selfish. I'd prefer to be selfish and childless, than another one of those selfish, neglectful breeders.

I have chosen to limit the amount of time I spend at school, even though I'm a grad student and there's an unspoken expectation that I will spend every waking moment in the lab. I choose to balance my work-life scale on the side of "life" and if that means my degree takes a little longer, then so be it.

You, HS, have chosen to be married with children while having a career that is clearly very time consuming. It is those choices that limit your availability for polyamory. That is not a fault of polyamory itself, but a result of your own life choices.

I have a girlfriend who would love it if we spent more time together. But I have a personal need for "me time." I'm no martyr. I come first in my life. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so, and the people who love me don't think so.

Originally Posted by bella123456 View Post
With due respect NYCindie, poly in a world with a live in partner and children is so very different to practicing poly as a indie solo.
Absolutely it is. We all live with the consequences of our choices.

It's not love that's limited, it's time.

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
We both had a hand in creating our current situation, we have both done damage to one another along the way, as any two people inevitably will.
That's probably the saddest thing I've heard in a long time. I don't see it at all inevitable that two people will damage one another over time. If that's the case, then you're doing it wrong. A partner should enhance your life, help you grow, help give you the strength to reverse the damage done from the rest of the world.

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
That's all part of the bind I'm in, the constraints that drain away my autonomy.
You're allowing yourself to play the victim and deny accountability in your situation. Your own choices are what drains your autonomy. You choose to keep a job in a place that is not healthy for your wife. Sure, you love your job, I get that. But acknowledge that it's your choice of having a job you love that limits your other options. My husband loves his job. When he's feeling sorry for himself, he likes to pretend that he's forced to work away from home to make enough money so that I can be in school. But the truth is that he prefers being able to dive into work and focus on it for 10 days at a time, and then come home and forget about it.

You can't stop your wife from going to Europe, but you choose to agree to care for the kids when she goes. You could just as easily tell her she needs to take them with her if she wants to go. Sounds like Doc would have no trouble sponsoring a private tutor to keep them up with their studies for a couple weeks, and the experience of another culture would be invaluable.

So don't pretend like you're forced into your situation. Accept responsibility for your choices, and quit trying to make us feel guilty for being successful with ours.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-30-2012 at 11:31 AM.
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