Originally Posted by nycindie
Wow, I am so glad that you spoke up for yourself in such a direct and non-confrontational way. I think you expressed your reaction/needs very well and succinctly. I am wondering how the conversation started - did Gia go to you and specifically ask you how you feel about it, and if you'd be okay with it? Was she looking for a temperature check with you on that? Or did she simply tell you about the progress with Dexter in conversation, after which you stated your feelings?
Thanks! She was telling me about the unexpected turn of events, I talked with her about it for a while, and then stated my feelings. It woulda been nice if she'd actively checked in, I suppose, but, to be fair, I've known for months about her interest in Dex and have been advising her on how to pursue him, and have also freely admitted that 1) I have some mixed feelings, and 2) I want her to have this. So, she already knew at least the basics of how I felt.
She's been clear that this isn't meant to be a dating arrangement, just friendship and sex. And, well, I pretty much didn't check in with her, during her pregnancy, before sleeping with various friends. Like, I asked once early on if she wanted me to check in before I slept with someone new, or even to tell her afterwards, and she said she was fine either way, so I just went forward and didn't think much of it. Some things I mentioned to her, some things I didn't. I actually had to tell *three* guys that the "benefits" portion of our friendship was being revoked when Davis and I made our arrangement (the only one who was significant enough in my life to mention in this blog was Harry, but, yeah, I'm a bit of a slut when I have no reason not to be... mmmm, sex). Whereas, on her end, part of her approach with Dex has been to say "Hey. I'd like to eventually sleep with more than two people in my entire life. It would be *awesome* if one of them was you. But if not, that's totally cool too." All of this is to say that for me to in any way try to prevent her from exploring this crush would be the height of unfairness.
Finally, I think I've just accepted the fact that because I have SO much more time and space and leftover mental energy these days than she does, and because I'm kinda more naturally introspective to begin with, it's gonna be up to me to bring up a lot of things if I want them to get talked about when I'm ready to talk about them. It's also generally up to me to initiate intimacy. It'd be nice if things were more balanced, but I understand why they're not, and I'm cool with it. What matters to me is that she listens, that she wants to know how I feel, and that she has enough reflective capacity to really hear me and engage.
I know I probably over-answered your question, but it gave me some food for thought.