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Old 11-29-2012, 11:51 PM
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Mya Mya is online now
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 427

The date went well, but I'm not sure if there were any sparks. I think he was goodlooking, intelligent and nice, but I didn't feel like he was that into me. Well, we'll see. We didn't say anything about meeting again, so I'm not expecting much.

I've been thinking about the good old primary/secondary thing. This time from the perspective of a person who is maybe some day starting another relationship. I have to deal with the fact that many people seem to use hierarchy and I can't necessarily escape that. There's this girl I've been messaging with. We're planning on meeting at some point. She mentioned that she's in a primary relationship and they're both happy with that arrangement. That's obviously fine, but I think I'd like to know her definition of primary. I don't really want to feel like a secondary in the sense that the primary always comes first, whatever my needs are. But then I don't want to be anyone's primary either in the sense that I would make all the desicions with that person and be all one entity with them. If everyone thought this like rory I wouldn't have to think about this at all.

I feel like at the same time I fit and don't fit into all/any poly categories. I'm a solo poly in the sense that I don't live with a partner and I'm not married and I can date whoever I want, but I'm not a solo poly because I am in this serious and committed relationship. I'm in a primary relationship in the sense that rory is my significant other, I share my life with her, plan a future with her, take her into account in my decisions and spend quite a lot of time with her, but I'm not in a primary relationship because we don't always put each other first (there are other things in life besides relationships), I don't live with her and we're not married. I'm in a secondary relationship in the sense that rory is living with and married to someone else, but I'm not in a secondary relationship because I don't come second, I'm considered just as much as Alec, and rory is a big and meaningful part of my life.

You see where it gets confusing? This is definitely not a problem in mine and rory's relationship, but in my attempts to communicate my situation to others, maybe potential partners. I'm open to relationships developing how they will, but then I see all the requirements in people's profiles; some people are looking for a secondary and some singles are looking for a primary to be poly with. I don't want any of that, but maybe it's just the way they use the language and don't really mean it the way I interpret it. I want equal and flexible relationships that have a possibility to grow, is it really that rare? That's what it feels like when looking at dating profiles.
Me: bi female in my 30's
Living with: Hank (partner) and rory (ex/friend)
Dating: Yvonne


Last edited by Mya; 11-30-2012 at 12:33 AM.
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