For clarity in my examples He is the married cheater/married ethical polyamorist and she is the person who is willing/unwilling to date them.
On top of my head I can come up with several reasonings why someone is willing to date a married person who is cheating instead of a polyamorous ethical married person.
First it's a power trip and an ego boost for the woman. She can think along the lines of "I am so irresistibly hot/sexy/awesome that this married man can't stay away from me and is willing to risk all (his reputation/marriage/economical standing) to be with me".
This way the mistress doesn't have to take in to account the husbands wife at all. The wife becomes the "frigid bitch/she doesn't understand and appreciate him at all shrew" who is in the way of their one true love. And it is the mistress who understands him best/partners in crime ect. The mistress can do what she wants, the wife is none the wiser and it is the cheating husbands duty to appease the mistress and lie to the wife to get time away to spend with his lover.
And there is still hope for monogamy for the mistress. If it comes to the point of the man is willing to leave his wife to be with his mistress, she can reason that "He mustn't have ever really loved his wife since he was looking for an upgrade anyway when we met and I am the love of his life since he does this damage to his reputation all for me to be with me."
Person like that will not be willing to date a ethical polyamorous married men because she will lose the power trip/ego boost she would have otherwise, instead of becoming the" irresistible beauty he will be willing to risk all", she just becomes one of potential many, and she will never become the wife, number one in his life in the eyes of all and in the eyes of law. There is no hope for monogamy because a polyamorous man will not be ever willing to leave his wife for his secondary. The mistress will have to take in to account the wifes wishes, timetables, potential veto powers, she will have to appease the wife to get time with the husband ect.
Another reason for why someone if both are in relationships of their own, will not be willing to date a ethical poly man but is willing to date a married cheater is mutual blackmail and like you said, they might want to fuck around but no way in hell will they want to give their spouse/significant other the same right in return. If someone wants to cheat on their spouse the smart thing to do would be to date someone who is also cheating on their spouse, that way both have mutual leverage against each other. I will not tell to your spouse about the cheating if you don't tell my spouse about the cheating.
Someone who wants to cheat can't have this kind of mutual blackmail/leverage if they were to date a ethical polyamorous person, since the poly persons other significant others all know about each other and have agreed to nonmonogamy. If the poly person one day thought that they couldn't stand the lies and it is time to come clean the cheater doesn't have anything to hold over the poly person to stop them for confessing to their metamour that the metamours partner is a cheater.
Also it could just be the power trip. Some people get off on sneaking around and getting away with stuff from their oblivious partners. Person like that dating a poly person from one side would not be "getting away with stuff" since the poly person would know and agree to non-monogamy and that takes out the power kick that a cheater would get off on, if everything is above board there can be no sneaking around.
3) NRE addict? NRE stupidity?They will always be searching for the one?And when the NRE drops out off to the next "the one?"
Originally Posted by Daysleeper
Why are some people okay with cheating, but not okay with poly?
My assumption was that group would consist of cheaters too afraid to be honest to their partners or accept their partner's potential dating.
But I have met several people willing to date a married person A without the knowledge or consent of a's spouse, b. However, they will not consider dating c who is also married, but whose partner, d is supportive of the relationship or potential relationship. This is what I can't puzzle out:
1). If someone wants to be monogamous, why date a cheater in a monogamous relationship?
2). If someone doesn't want to be monogamous but wants to have long term romantic relationships, why would they be unwilling to date a poly person?
3). Pertaining to my particular case, why might someone date several poly people for several years, break up with all of them because they supposedly want to be monogamous, and in the same breath talk about pursuing a relationship with a monogamous married person?