Originally Posted by AnotherConfused
He and I share many of the same desires when it comes to home and family. I love our home and family. I love him. I am not always "in love" with him, but the feeling does come back from time to time. I don't really want to live alone, nor do I want to live with any other man. My husband is the man I want to share a home with. I guess some of it could be seen as material, but there is also an emotional significance when we harvest fruit from trees we planted together a dozen years ago, or cook in the kitchen we created out of shared ideas and inspiration when we remodeled it together.
Part of the appeal of polyamory, for me, is that when I can enjoy intimate connections with more than one person, no one has to satisfy all my emotional needs. I can love my husband so much more for who he is if I am not resenting the things about him that don't fulfill me. He does fulfill me in many ways -just not all the ways I seek.
I go social dancing. Everyone knows that if you only ever dance with one partner, your dancing will be very slow to improve. You may actually build in bad habits that make you difficult for others to dance with. You will probably get bored. If you dance with many different partners, you will be constantly learning new steps, perfecting your physical communication skills, expanding your repertoire, honing your own personal style, and of course, having a rich and interesting social experience. This is what I want in life.
You write beautifully of what you see in him, love him for and why you want to be with your husband. And about what you see polyamory as offering you the chance to learn and grow while appreciating your husband for who he is. It is clearer to me why you stay in this difficult relationship.
But I was struck by something in Dinged's question and your reply. Would your husband respond with something similar to the same question addressed to him? (Minus the poly bit obviously.) You've wrote elsewhere in this thread that having a normal, respectable, mainstream wife and mother at his side is important to him, is what he wants. It's obvious to me that you will never, ever be that normal wife for him. Are you what he wants out of life? You can fit in what you want around him. You are trying very, very hard to do this. Can he do the same? Accept his not normal wife for who she is? I am skeptical that either of you can get what you want out of life - especialy when what you want lies in almost completely opposite directions - without one or both of you completely giving up your self, your souls in the process.
Also, your situation reminds me of my own in one respect. It seems to me that you associate your husband with home. I mean the physical experience of living together but also the emotional aspects of creating a home with someone else. Your husband is your home in a literal and emotional sense. I too thought of my ex-wife as my home. Wherever she was, that was my home. I learned that this sense of home is not enough to sustain a relationship. I did not want to break up because I associated home and her so strongly that I could not separate them in my head and heart. It has been my experience that this sense of home is a crutch to ward off fears such as the fear of being alone. It substitutes for love, for passion, for depth.
Perhaps for you, it is enough to sustain the relationship. But I have discovered that I carry my own 'at home' within. It's been hard and I have not enjoyed it. But I feel that any future committed relationships will be deeper and stronger because I no longer invest that in others.