Another day another conversation.
I didn't get much sleep before work last night. About 2 hours, but talking about what's on my mind is worth the sleepiness. It's better then getting upset, emotional, or crying myself to sleep and allowing things to fester.
Finances: We came to a starting point for spending cash. Airyn admitted that he's got no head for finances and that he doesn't understand or remember what our finances are. He also says he's happy with me taking care of that, and just letting him know the bills are paid. So his dating money will be cash only.
1: Airyn's is finding it difficulty to approach Chipmunk about her bullheadedness around the things she wants. This is why things I have asked for aren't coming about in what I consider a reasonable amount of time. He was perturbed that I'm still unhappy with the situation. I pointed out that I have still not gotten what I asked for. I also told him that I don't feel it should take so much work on my end to get so little. He didn't understand. So I explained that It shouldn't have taken over a month to get the flexibility I needed/wanted over being able to have 6 uninterrupted hours with him once or twice a week. I pointed out that all I was really asking for was one day a week (Friday's), and that this is not very much.
He asked me if what I really want is more then that. I told him that my want hasn't changed much. I want 2 days a week and every other weekend. To which he say that if I mean days where Chipmunk isn't around at all that this just is not possible right now. I acknowledged that. I then explained this is why I keep trying to come up with other ways to get a significant amount of quality time with him. Like the hotel idea. Since that wasn't really in the cards I wanted my days off while she's working to be my time with him, and not to have to share so much every single day. I pointed out that her being ok with this during the week days doesn't help. When Chipmunk is closing her break is late in the afternoon, and I should be a sleep.
2: Airyn and I also talked about my resistance to feeling empathy with the things he tells me Chipmunk doesn't have that I do. First I was pointing out how reduced these things are, and how much sleep I lose to get time. Then I told him that Chipmunk has only gained in this relationship, and I have gained no positives. I didn't comment on negatives, just asked him to let me know what positives I get out of this. He pointed at Boots, and History. Ok, but how is that a gain in my relationship with Airyn? Does he think that either of these ladies is a replacement for him? No and he agreed that these lady's are not a gain in my relationship with him. He did ask if I had a good time while out with History last weekend. I told him yes, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss him because I'm out with someone else.
3: Organization, household chores: Today I pointed out that large portions of Airyn's time with me is spent on household chores, He and I cleaning house, doing laundry, straightening living spaces, and doing the dishes. I also asked how often Chipmunk contributes to these things, and got the answer I expected. It is very rare for Chipmunk to participate in household chores. and when she does it's typically the dishes when everyone is home. So I'm hugging on Airyn and laughingly telling him that he and I have the shitty taking care of the house end of the relationship. He acknowledged that this is so, and expressed some frustration with the whole thing. Telling me it's been a long while since Chipmunk did any dishes, even the ones she uses for one thing or another.
His part of the house chores has been greatly increased. He prefers a clean organized living environment. Not everyone does, but he is happier when our living spaces are clean and neat. He was very please with the bedroom after I sorted Chipmunk's, Wolf, and our laundry. Once done I put two totes of Chipmunks laundry into the closet that is mostly hers. We still have some things in there, but they are items that are hardly used, and don't take up too much space. I won't remark on the state of this closet expect to say that it has seen better days.The volume of laundry that would have been done with out Chipmunk's contribution, one tote. I told Airyn that he has been complaining at me regularly about it. That for months I have been pointing out the state of my things, and saying tactically that I'm not causing this. He asked why I'm suddenly concerned, and I told him that it's starting to grate on my nerves. That I know his preference for organization, and I make an effort to reduce my clutter tendencies. That it irks me when Chipmunk giggles and comments about him pick up behind her again (which had just happened that morning). I told him that he really needs to be figuring out how to talk to her about this. That he might start by requesting/suggesting that she at least pick up once or twice a week. I also told him that I was going to try to avoid bring it up again. So lets see how I do with that.
I also acknowledged again that I'm working on my communication. That I know I lean heavily towards confrontational, angry, and emotional. I get it, I'm working on it. I also told him that I feel that over all things, on that front, are better then they were two months ago. So progress is being made even if it's some what slowish.
I'm kinda putting it out there that Airyn isn't as responsible for Chipmunk as he thinks he is. That the ideal we talked about before she moved in, the promises made on all fronts. These things were naive of us (all of us). I told him that even if Chipmunk had moved in under ideal conditions (more space) that things would not have been wonderful and rosy. There are always issue that come up between people learning to live together. He has been telling me regularly how we talked Chipmunk in to this, that we told her how great and wonderful things could be. I reminded him that it isn't just what we pictured that fell through, it is also what she offered, what she represented, and expressed her interest in that fell through. I told him that our ideal was always to have a triad with three diads, that it was never supposed to be two diads, that this would never have happened if Chipmunk hadn't offer me something from the beginning. If she had only shown interest in him there would have been NO poly relationship considerations. I was reminding him of another blog on these boards that had started in a similar fashion, but with many strict (to us) boundaries. I told him that those boundaries would never have occurred to us, because that was not within what we saw as our Ideal in poly. I had expressed to Airyn, and Chipmunk that I could see a place where there was space for the three of us to be together, or for any two to have space to be just two as wanted/needed. So some of the boundaries that new to poly married couples start with wouldn't have been on our radar.
I also pointed out that as far as I can tell she has mostly gained things within this relationship. Sure there are things she would like to have that are rarely available/offered. The point is that for the first time in her life she is living free of parental control, and has the freedom to do the things she wants (get tattoos, go out with her friends when she chooses to, drink, ect). I also tell him that she also has a great man in her life which we know is something she has never had. She has never had a man take care of her, and treat her the way he does. I remind him who her greatest love was before him, and how that guy cheated on her multiply times. How she told us She has never been able to actually fall a sleep in bed with a guy. I tell him that if this love is the one all guys since have to met or beat he has very much surpassed that relationship. I also point at that she told us she was celibate for over a year before we came into her life, and that the fellow she was with after moving to Texas were little more then one night stands. At the most these fellows were after her for sex once or twice then gone within a month (from her volunteered descriptions). He seemed a bit surprised by this, but couldn't argue. I don't think he had looked at things from this perspective before.
He did admit that there were times he had to step back from one suggestion of mine or another and really think about it. So maybe when he and I talk next he'll see things differently where Chipmunk is concerned. Maybe realizing that we have done the right thing by her will help him get past some of his worries. She is now has a job that she can turn into a career if she chooses to, she is now more financially independent then she has ever been. Airyn asked if she isn't like we were at her age. I told him that at her age we had Wolf, and were making ends meet for the most part on our own. We did have to get help from family for a short time, and I readily admitted that. I also pointed out that we were paying our bills, buying food, and keeping shared spaces clean. I also reminded him that when my car broke down I only relied on his family for about a month to get me to work before I replaced our vehicle, and remarked that Chipmunk has yet to start saving for a vehicle. That she has been expecting us to get her from place to place for 4 months. That she is an adult is capable of getting herself to and from work without being driven there by us. Other adult with out vehicle of there own us there feet, buy a bicycle, or a scooter, or use public transportation to get around. Sure it's nice of use to do this, but he should not expect me to plan every moment around Chipmunks desire to be driven to work by us.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married