Originally Posted by Derbylicious
Dressing up and playing bocci ball at poly camp NW, when we all came to your first burlesque show and brought you flowers, the camping trips that you set up where we all talk and laugh deep into the night. Or even just the simplicity of knowing there's more than one person in the world who has your back 100%.
Thanks sweets. Thanks for this. I do have more than one person who has my back...
Thanks for the reminder to appreciate that and give love back from where it comes from. I feel very neglectful of you, Brad and PN. It comes around. I know that. Just now I'm dealing with self neglect and my eyes are being opened up to what I wasn't seeing because I was too blind to see. Good times are always ahead. Just as lousy ones are.
I want this year to end. Solstice holds much promise of clarity I think. The sun will shine on the truth and I am ready for that. 25 days until then and much processing left to do. Clinging on to myself, asking for love and gentleness where ever possible. Hugs are always welcome too. A warm smile is nice. Just some acknowledgment that sometimes I am not strong and that that is okay.
After Solstice I hold on until the end of January when Mono and I go away together again and perhaps all will be clearer still by then. If we make it that far.
My dear loves have yet again pulled through and loved me through this blizzard of a storm. I've been as present as possible with them; asking them about their life, being around when I can. It must be wearing thin now. Its necessary, but I don't expect them to stick around right now. Perhaps even for good. Part of me wants to leave them all entirely so I am not a burden and so I can spend this time I need on myself. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore anyway. The only person I need to spend my time on right now is me. Leaving them hanging is eventually going to be unfair.
I am hoping I look back on this time and laugh at this and laugh at myself for being so stupid. I am turning 43 on the 7th of December. I feel as I did when I was 17 and dumped by my highschool sweetheart. I look back on that and understand now how na´ve and stipid I was. Could I be na´ve and stupid again? For allowing myself to go through this? Time and situations coming up will tell I guess.
Maybe I need to alter my brain to see this all differently somehow. Not sure how to do that and what to do about that. Pondering at the moment.