Conversations with Airyn (Part 2)
I talked to Airyn about it being pointed out on here that I may not be clear when talking about the things I want/need. I used the lunch thing as my example. We talked about it for a bit, but he seems to think that I've been mostly clear except in a few instances. So the conversation moved to me asking what went wrong, and why it took so long for him to talk with Chipmunk about it. I pointed out that she was requiring it of him, not of me. I also pointed out that the way it was handled shows me that he was more concerned about how Chipmunk felt then he was about how it was effecting me. That this is an unfairness on his end, and that these things can not continue to happen. That it makes me feel like telling him that if he prefers to spend his time, attention and concern on/with Chipmunk, (and therefore isn't providing me with my reasonable wants) that she needs to move out, and he may need to move out with her. My needs should be just as important as hers.
His shocked look at my perception of his being more concerned about Chipmunks wants then mine sparked further conversation. He asked if I could see him as being equally concerned. I said sure if he was acting that way, but if it take me 6 weeks and an huge arguement to get one day a week that does not show equal concern. I then talked about other examples where he has offer more concern towards Chipmunk then towards me. Such as during stressful situation. I then asked him that if this is what is happening how does he want me to feel. That my perception is that he prefers Chipmunk's company, and if this isn't so he needs to be showing me that. That it is how he treats us that leaves me feeling this way. But this is a conversation he and I will have to come back to. He is beginning to see that touch is an important thing for me. It always has been, and he has allowed this part of our relationship to lapse a lot.
We also talked about sex. How both Chipmunk and I prefer lots of sex (Multiple times a day used to me my norm, but even daily would make me happier). Airyn on the other hand is fine with less then that, so some times he feels he would rather just snuggle/cuddle, but also is worried that if that's all he wants and he says this that we will take it as him saying he doesn't want sex with us. I told him that right now my personal confidence, and self image aren't the best. That this reduces my comfort and makes it much harder for me to initiate. We talked about this extensively. We talked about the things that get him excited, and what he has expressed that he doesn't like. I brought up something that he rather frustratedly talked to me about, and pointed out that after this I kinda stopped. I also pointed out that this had further limited my options for making advance with him. He doesn't really remember, but thinks he may have been taking out a frustration with something Chipmunk did on me. He tells me that the advances I do make work just fine for him. That gentle touch, sensuality are what he prefers. Something tells me we will be talking about all this again soon.
We were both calm, and I didn't get overly emotional or angry. I even talked to him about how I know that this is something I need to work on, and I expressed that it is difficult to change something that has worked for me for 30 years. He just smiled, nodded, and told me I'm doing fine. That it doesn't bother him cause he gets it's what I need. I also tell him that I'm making an effort to not have these heated debates/arguments with him when Chipmunk isn't around. I explained that the lack of privacy makes this very hard, and sometimes things just can't wait. I acknowledge Chipmunks reaction making thing even harder on him when I'm upset about something.
This sparked him telling me about his conversations with Chipmunk over the weekend. Saturday they went for a walk together, and she was complaining about the lack of privacy. She then tells him he has it easy. He disagreed, and enlighten her to his position. He explained that most days one or the other of us is giving him an earful about something, and many time we are both upset at him at the same time. He tells her that he can't seem to make both of us happy at the same time. He told me that on Monday when I was angry with him Chipmunk knew and started to get upset with him, she came in the kitchen making her upset pouty face. He told me that before she could say anything he pointed at her, and said don't you start too. Which made her think about it, and calm down. He said it was nice. Not sure if he told her that. He did tell me that he appreciates the effort I'm making to reduce Chipmunk's upset with him over any argument he and I are having.
He also pointed out that we were having a private conversation in the kitchen without either Chipmunk or Wolf around. He says that Chipmunk never gets that. I thought about it for a moment, and then agreed. I told him that he was right, and that I can't disagree with that. I also pointed out that I have been making an effort to take Wolf out for a few hours here and there, and that this does provide them with time. Having more time to think about it there are aspects he didn't remark on. This is something we have talked about before. It's part of the larger whole about how much time he and I had, versus how much time he and I have now, and how much time he and Chipmunk have. How this effects the amount of sleep we each get. Me because i work nights, and to get alone time I have pushed back when I get sleep. Now I get maybe 6 hours before work. Chipmunk has been staying up lat as well so that she can have alone time after Wolf has gone to bed, and again after I have gone to work. This really only affects how much sleep she chooses to get when she has to open, or when she chose to go to school with Airyn. She dropped the class so she can chose to stay home and sleep instead. Airyn has always been one to stay up late into the night/the next morning. So really it effects him when he has to get up early the next day for any reason, and this is one reason he no longer takes Wolf to school.
So yeah there's more to talk about. More to consider, to think about. Airyn will have to talk with Chipmunk. I told him that she has yet to be able to talk to me about anything intimate. That occasionally she bring up financial things on her own, but mostly our important conversation are started by me. I also noted that some times she is very abrasive when I've only asked a question.
For example. She and I have an agreemeant about a department store card. She and I shop there together, and we both use my card. The agreement is that she will make one payment equal to the minimum payment required by the card. And that we will keep up with her balance together. I asked her over the weekend if she was making a payment this pay period or next, and she got a little irate about it. She said, "If you want I can pay it now". Told me that she has made a payment ever pay check she gets, that she has made two 25$ payments, and that she was thinking about making a 50$ payment at the end of the month. I was taken aback by her assertion that she was making a payment ever pay period. I had only asked for once a month, and since I hadn't checked how often it was being paid I just left it for later. The next time I had a moment I checked the payment history, and could see very clearly that she has made two payments one in September, and one in October. So I decided that when I talk with her about her payment again I would bring this up, and I shared this with Airyn. He told me that she was adamant with him that she was paying ever pay period as well, I was surprised again cause Airyn doesn't take care of the financial side of our relationship, and only has a cursory view of these things. He's never been interested in understanding, and when I'm explaining he just gets confused so we don't talk about it much.
Airyn made it clear that if I'm sure she's doing exactly what was a greed on and no more then that that I should call her out for making this false claim. I agreed, but also said that she may have felt that way because she was feeling broke. So I told him I'll probably be delicate about it. I suggested explaining that she had surprised me when she said she has made a payment ever pay check. Then remind her that our agreement was for one per month. I also told him that I want her to verify for herself how often and how much she has paid. So I plan to let her know that I only see one payment per month from her in the payment history, and to suggest that she check her mint.com account and search for her payments, and let me know what she has found. This is apparently something that needs to be taken care of today. Airyn made it clear that she was rather upset about it. I told him that I had no idea she had phrased things the same way with him. I promised to talk to her sooner rather than wait till this Friday as I had planned.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married