Conversations with Airyn (Part 1)
Had a good talk with Airyn that encompassed a lot of things.
Finances: Still working to decide what is a beginning point for dating funds.
This has not changed Airyn's mind about getting a job again. It makes me sad. I told him that I hardly see him at all now, and I don't expect him working to help with that. I also made it clear that I won't stop him. If this is what he wants and he gets a hit on his resume that's fine. We'll have to work around what ever comes.
Dating: Talking about going out with other versus going out with each other.
1: We talked about how when Airyn and Chipmunk go out some where it is at her suggestion. That he and I rarely go out because we rarely went out before. That we do the same things at home we have always done together. That these are things he doesn't/can't do with Chipmunk (as she has no interest).
2: We talked again about how he had asked me not to take him out for his b-day, but then asked about spending a little (his text suggested that it would be about 6$) while out with Chipmunk. I told him that it felt really wrong for him to ask that at the last min. Especially after the talk he and I had about money early that week (versus b-day). I also pointed out that Chipmunk originally suggest buying the 30$ for $60 and 4 people deal at the restaurant they chose. That I told her you didn't want me to spend money to go out, and that she should take you out herself if she wanted to. That saving that little bit would allow the two of them to spend a little more on extras, and alcohol (groupon deals never seem to include alcohol). This was agreed on, and meant that she saved 15$ that she could then use for extras on the night in question. So I asked him why is it that her decision not to budget herself appropriately meant that he should pay for his b-day evening? He tells me that he would have offered the same to me if our finances were separate, and I came to him concerned about the cost. I accepted that this was so, and acknowledged that I know he would offer to pay for everything if that was an option available every time they went out.
Then I pointed out that his b-day was known and not a surprise, that Chipmunk had been talking for weeks about taking him out some where. That if I was planning to take him out I would make sure to plan for the expense based on where we are going, and what I expect to spend. I also pointed out again that she had wanted to spend 30$ and ended up spending only 15$, and asked what happened to the other 15$. I told him that if she had it when she purchased the groupon then that would have covered the little extra he asked me about. And that his concern over 6$ is why I was wanting to know if she could afford her part in gas this pay period. I told him that her part of gas has been set for a long time. It's something she and I have worked out. What had not been worked out was how and when she'd pay for gas. I also explained that she has been expected to afford a certain amount every pay period towards household expenses, that that amount isn't as set in stone, and is now agreed on, but was never over 30$ These are things she should be planning and budgeting for. That if she isn't that it's something she needs to work on, and he shouldn't be getting upset with me when I point out that it's her error and not mine that leaves her broke for a week between pay checks. I also pointed out that being sick was the perfect excuse to put off going out till a later time when she would be less broke, but that they chose (or she chose) not to do this. I also pointed out that it was only two weeks ago and one outting that they have that caused me to complain about it. And I talked to him about how much he had actually spent and showed him that he is spending as much out with Chipmunk as I did out with Boots AND History, and that he and I have not gone out this month, so it feel really unbalanced.
3: We also talked about how Chipmunk's schedule is still making it difficult for us to be able to go out. He reminded me that She has agreed to relax about requiring him to bring her a lunch on the weekend days that she works. I tell him that it remains to be seen. With her getting sick and coming home early it made no difference the first time it was attempted. He says he sees no reason it won't work out this weekend. He also pointed out that really we are only talking about once a week, as she typically has one of those days off. I said Yeah that's why it's been so crappy that she put this out there without offering to be flexibly or compromise. I'm not asking for much.
1: Airyn has begun to ignore Chipmunk when she is being pissy for no reason, to just let her be pissed, and get over it on her own. (it's a start) He's not sure how to approach her about her bullheadedness, and stupid thinking around requiring him to visit her on her lunch break. He told me what she was saying today on her way to work. (he drove her I stayed home) Basically he was told that if I'm awake don't bring her lunch, but if I'm asleep bring her lunch. So still not letting him choose to visit her. He'll have to talk to her about it more. I know it's something he wants to do, but I also know that if she continues to make it a requirement he will get tired of it.
2: Keeping up with her schedule. She had emailed her schedule to me last week, and then to Airyn this week. When talking about what time she had to be to work she asked Airyn about him writing it on the wall calendar. He chose not to, and went to take a nap. While he was napping I pointed out that the marker was right there, and she could write her schedule out. Then went back to what i was doing/reading online (these forums). She wrote her schedule on the calendar, and later I talked with Airyn about Chipmunk taking more responsibility for her self and how we have been treating her a lot like we do Wolf. That we do things for Chipmunk that we no longer do for Wolf. He agreed that we need to step back from this, so now comes the hard part. Actually stepping back and leaving things for Chipmunk to figure on her own.
3: Organization, household chores: Talked with Airyn about the laundry, how Chipmunk procrastinates putting her things away, and how her laundry adds up to as much or more then our laundry (mine, Airyn's, and Wolf's). Laundry is Airyn department as the Stay-at-Home parent so it is his to take to Chipmunk. I reminded him that when Laundry was my domain I would get very frustrated, and angry when the laundry did not get put away (by him and Wolf as that was there part), or clean things would end up on the floor, and thus back in the dirty stuff. I asked him about talking to her about this. I told him that to me this is disrespectful of our space, and that all our space is shared. That this is creating undue stress and resentment. That it is causing me to continually point out to him (when he's complaining about the issue) that I have been maintaining my things, and keeping what I have relatively straighten up. (I'm hardly perfect, but I'm not as disorganized as Chipmunk) I don't think he is yet ready to breach this topic with Chipmunk, and I'm about to ask him to stop coming to me with complaints if he is unwilling to talk to her about it. But we are not there yet. Baby steps. First acknowledge that it is an issue, and that it has to be communicated to get corrected. Airyn tells me that he did point out to Chipmunk that once he finds a job things will change around the house. That he won't be working and doing everything else. It's a starting point I guess.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married