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Old 11-27-2012, 09:47 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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The first time I read this, I swear I saw something about Margarita night... hahaha.... But, yes, it made absolute sense

Thank you so much for the specific view of how you and your husband navigate it as well; that was really, really helpful.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
What do you get from that in the long run, you'll assume she slept with him but not have verbal confirmation? ... Can you figure out what feels better about not discussing it at all? Is it just that you don't want to hear the process as she goes through sharing where she is at on the road to sex with him?
It's a good question. I think with him... it's that I already know she wants to sleep with him and if she has the opportunity (i.e. he is home alone), then she will. Unlike other partners we have had, where dates progress to sex and it can be a bit more planned out, sex with him seems like it would be more spontaneous, since he is only 24 and still lives with his parents, and we do not have people back to our house. You know, or maybe they'd do it in the car, or in an alley, or whatever. Haha. So, I was thinking that instead of her having to tell me she's had sex with him, or trying to plan it out, she could just go and do it when she wants to, with my blessing. Agh... I don't know, Anne. I'm stuck!

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There's nothing wrong with saying "I dont really feel good about this person, do what you want but I don't want to hear about it" But I think its good to make sure you know what its about - maybe you have valid reasons for thinking they are not a good partner and so this is just an exception, maybe there are some personal issues to work on.
Hmmm... I know. I've been thinking about this a lot, and about why I'm so uncomfortable with him, but it seems to be a multitude of things. Without going into too much boring detail, she met him at the start of our poly pursuits, when things were a little less considerate and we caused more pain than necessary. Learning curve, etc. So perhaps subconsciously, he's still stuck in a bad time for me. They've been back and forth for over a year... she decides that he's selfish, then that he's wonderful, then that he's rude, then that he's the sweetest boy on the planet... In the start, I was insecure about him. Then I got better. Then insecure. Back/forth/back/forth. I finally 'met' him online recently (as he has been in another state for 6 months) and it just didn't go down well. He didn't do anything ungodly, but just doesn't seem to have knowledge or respect for our relationship and it quite self-centered and immature. Something just doesn't sit right for me with him... and... to be honest? Maybe it's just that I'm exhausted from my GF's rollercoaster emotions about him... having to listen to her being upset about him and me feeling protective of her... then the next day, her becoming giddy over him again.

But you are probably right... there probably are personal issues to look at. Aren't there always?

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How does you knowing she had sex with him hamper her sexual enjoyment? You mention worrying about her sexual freedom and spontaneity, could a bit of this be you projecting and wanting to have your own spontaneity but find it easier to couch it terms about what she might want?
Could be a bit of this, for sure. But, she has told me in the past and more recently that she feels restricted, like she could have slept with many, many more people by now, but hasn't, because of consideration for myself and her husband. We have never been monogamous together... since we met two years ago, we've always been poly. A lot to learn and plenty of growing pains and insecurity in the first year. She seems to have recently got it into her head that other poly people "bang everything that moves", because she has seen some couples like this on the BDSM scene, and now she's feeling frustrated that in two years, her only fully sexual partners have been myself, her husband and one guy. She says that she bends over backwards to accommodate us and wonders when her return will be.

So, with this guy, or maybe future ones, I was wondering whether taking a more casual approach to her sleeping with others might help her frustration, so that she can enjoy her freedom without having to worry about us being insecure. I am secure in our relationship and am not worried that she's going to leave me... but I'm just not sure that hearing about it helps me.

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You mention worry about hurting each other or breaking guidelines. If it's what you want, is it possible to revisit agreements so you're both comfortable with spontaneous sex being fine happening as long as safe sex rules are followed and it's brought up quickly afterwards?
I was thinking the same thing to be honest and have suggested we go over our guidelines before she goes on her Saturday date.

Insecurity or issues from myself or her husband seem to make her feel trapped after a while. She seems to be crying out for freedom at the moment. I don't feel like I can ignore that. When she told me about her date, I made a conscious effort to sound at ease with it... but she said that I was visibly uncomfortable. To compound matters, her husband is not overly supportive and literally tends to grunt at her when she mentions dates... this then seems to get taken out on me if I don't dance on the ceiling about her dating. So, I kind of feel that rather than risk sounding upset about her sleeping with this guy, if she doesn't have to have the conversation with me, I can deal with it quietly and not put extra pressure or guilt on her.

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My boyfriend, I'd prefer to know if starts dating somebody and is thinking of having sex with them, but if things moved fast I'd at least expect to find out before we had sex again (I'd tell him the same) Besides knowing about new partners that'd really be the extent of it. As I don't think he'd welcome more discussion than that, if I liked the person or not he was seeing it'd really be a moot point.
I would too, to be honest. She has talked about not seeing this guy, since it makes me so uncomfortable; but I just don't want that kind of resentment hanging around and I know she would feel it.
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Serious long-distance relationship with GF (40f)
Casual FWB with Descartes (27f)



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