Originally Posted by Ceoli
I think it's important to understand why such policies are in place.
I generally don't get involved with people who have DADT policies with their other partners. I always feel much more secure when there's open communication between partners and metamours. I can't help but tie withheld information with protecting insecurity. As a person who is usually the outsider dating people in established partnerships, I've found that DADT is usually the tip of an iceberg that usually causes larger problems for me when getting more deeply involved. If my partner's partner can't handle that kind of information about my involvement, then that usually means that, on some level, they can't handle my involvement period. So it ends up being the same drama, just buried underneath the surface where it simmers and builds rather than being evident and out there for everyone to address. For me, DADT ends up limiting how involved I can be with a partner.
The guy I'm currently getting involved with actually has a philosophy of "There's no such thing as too much information." And he means it. There's nothing I can't ask him about his other relationships, including all the details. The same for his partners- I can talk to them about anything without reservation. That's much more proactive and open than I've ever encountered before. It's also pretty lovely to experience.
Honestly-this would be MUCH more comfortable and natural to me as well.
I find it difficult, for example, Tuesday I went with GG. He got a vasectomy. This was strenuous for me with my neck issues, but I knew it would be easier on him if I were there, so I went despite Maca and GG arranging so I didn't have to.
But afterward there were things I wanted/needed to vent. I sure as HELL did not want to talk to GG about them! But Maca doesn't want to know... so I couldn't talk with him about what was on my mind. Awkward laying in bed with my mind in a whirlwind, he asks "what are you thinking"... what the hell am I supposed to answer?
For ME personally-I'd rather just leave it to circumstance, which is more what GG and I do. I don't AUTOMATICALLY tell him everything I did/do with Maca, but if its right, I can and do and it's no big deal. Likewise-while he doesn't have a lover right NOW-he has on a number of occassions over the last 17 years, we talk about things pertinent to them (and my past relationships too) fond or otherwise AND we did throughout that time as well. It's just understood between us that neither of us would ever INTENTIONALLY say something TO hurt the other, so anything CAN be shared.
That said-some things I don't share generally. He doesn't have a keen interest in some of my BDSM interests. So unless they specifically pertain to our conversation, I don't talk about them. I guess-I don't talk about them JUST to share them with him.. but I CAN and if he asked, I certainly WOULD...
(did that make sense? I sort of feel like I lost myself in trying to explain that last paragraph)