I am waiting for a revelation and a realization of what I should be doing. I spend my time talking to Mono, and then processing the bits I get. That and carrying on life.
It isn't coming. Nothing is coming. Okay its been two weeks. That and ten months worth of him knowing he could love others and hiding it for the most part. Only to want to continue to hide it.
I feel like there is not any indication that I am worth being considered. So much for the "extended consideration" he spoke so highly of. I don't feel considered at all.
Its all about his autonomy, his freedom. When did I become so controlling to him? Just by my very existence?
I worked hard all this time to balance; create a life that meant others could be happy and be free do as they will. Now I am left wondering what I did. Maybe I shouldn't of brought this into my life.
Mono used to be proud that he was with me. Now I am a burden and a block to his freedom to hit the road? I am in some way making him look less than independent? I am somehow making him look like he is tethered down? I have become a burden on his life and his future?
I feel as if I am suppose to sit here and wait for him to come home and suck up what I want for my life; suck up my feelings and just deal. I want some boundaries agreed to. Why is that so hard... I agreed to his boundaries. Why can't he? At least to see if it works. Is that really so smothering to his freedom in the long run?
It worries me that what I ask for seems reasonable to him yet he is unwilling to consider it.
I don't know what to do. I really don't. All this effort all written here and what was it for? I really don't know. What am I suppose to be learning?
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-27-2012 at 03:44 AM.