Hey Sparklepop, Like the question! We operate on an 'Consideration Not Information' rule. Don't just inform me after you've done something. Tell me what your plans are. Otherwise, I'm just your audience, not your partner in crime. If I'm looking for partners, consideration not information. I tell my wife I'm ready to start a big ol' chunk of dating until I find one or two that fit. I ask her if she's ready for it and ok with that. She's always says yes, but it's good to ask. I don't just inform her that I've made a bunch of dates. If I want to sleep with someone, consideration not information. I tell my wife that the attraction is strong enough to sleep with that woman, in general, after the first date. That way, she knows I have intent. I don't tell her when I sleep with her, what I've done, how we've done it.
We used to tell each other about each person we had sex with. But now, we get STI tests every 3 months. We also have a no exchanging of fluids rule for safety - no blowjobs, no oral, unprotected. It makes no difference if I sleep with every woman I have a date with, or none of them. I'm not going to leave my wife. Sometimes, if I've been dating a woman for a while and then we break up, but we haven't slept together, I'll tell my wife that we never slept together.
I think that too much information causes pain that doesn't need to be there. We only tell each other when new things happen, or something changes - like, we've got a message from a new person, or we've got someone's number, we're falling in love with someone, or they're falling in love with us. Consideration, not information. I consider my wife in everything that I do. That doesn't mean I don't have sex with people. It means that if she's not happy, I talk to her and make changes. If I wanted to sleep with everyone I could sleep with, I would be single. My wife knows where she stands with me, knows how often I want to see other people, knows what I want in life. If something changes, I don't just start doing it then let her watch on. I tell her 'I'm thinking that I'd like to do this', consider her, then act. That's poly marriage, to me.
Our only dont ask dont tell thing is that if we want to watch porn, have sex online with a stranger, or whatever, we dont have to tell each other. That gives us a bit of naughty fun and light relief, without it being a big deal or something to stress about.