I’m currently dating a couple; we’ve been together for roughly 8 months. When I first got involved with them, I made it clear that I was not looking for a casual relationship. The issue I am having is with not feeling valued, and I can’t seem to figure out quite what’s going on here.
What did they say they were looking for? How did they respond? Did they start off hot, interested, intense, then fade away over time?
Interesting that he has ADHD. This may be completely unrelated. I have ADD (i.e. attention deficit minus the hyperactivity, which is more commonly present in men) and I am discovering that when I have too much life and relationship stimuli, I lose interest FAST. Much faster than I would like. This is how it goes for me:
- I meet a woman, am very interested, lots of contact and long conversations
- Attraction and hopes are very intense
- I become hyperfocused on this and forget about other things, like work (not obsessed - hyperfocus is an AD/HD state of complete attention, whilst blinkering other things)
- Because I've been hyperfocused, I have a lot to catch up on
- I shift my attention to work, friends, everything I've neglected
- I end up losing focus on the object of my attraction
- They then tend to cling, to push, to desire the intensity I first gave them
- This pushes me further away
- Everything ends up messy and I don't know where to best apply my focus
People with AD/HD tend to have trouble prioritising. They also procrastinate and experience brain fogginess. If they don't want to do something, it takes an actual act of God to find the motivation to do it.
With myself, and secondary partners as described above, here's what happens:
- I lose the attraction / focus on the person
- I don't know how to deal with it and hope it will pass
- They start bombarding with me messages
- I procrastinate, avoid, don't have the motivation to deal with it
- The pressure of being forced to focus exhausts me (literally - focus can exhaust people with AD/HD) and I want to deal with it even less
Does any of this sound familiar?
This usually happens to me when I am feeling a loss of interest in the person. It could very well be that yes... sadly... he or they have lost interest and are navigating this in their mind.
Let's say that none of this is the case...
It looks to me, from the outside, as a compatibility issue. Some people simply don't communicate in the same way as others and more importantly - they don't want to. I get what you are saying: how much is too much work? When do you give up?
I give up when I know this isn't what I want. As Annabel said; if it's causing you more hassle than joy, is there much point?
Sometimes people think they want something (i.e. a committed relationship), but the reality surprises them. Perhaps, even if they are still very much into you, they just can't balance and don't have the time and energy.
To be brutally honest... if I'm truly into someone and it is something very special... regardless of ADD or whatever... I move heaven and earth to stay in contact with them. I catch a plane for 16 hours across the world every 4 months to be with the woman I love for just 90 days. I spend about 2-8 hours a day on Skype with her. Yet, I can't find it in me to reply to messages from my secondary. I have two online lovers - the one I've known for longer is starting to bore me... the one I've known for less time thrills me... I feel absolutely awful about it... but I've found myself hiding from the first one online and going online just to talk to the second one. Sometimes we make the effort when we truly want to... and we don't when we don't....
Ultimately, only they know what is going on. Perhaps if you tell them that you are considering walking away, it will give you their answer. If my girlfriend told me that something I was doing was making her consider leaving me, I'd fight for it. If my secondary told me the same thing, I'd tell her I want what's best for her and let her go. Try giving them an easy way out and see if they take it.... that might be the answer you need.