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Old 11-26-2012, 07:21 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Yep, I was coming here to talk about mothering too. From an outside position it looks like you're trying to mother them both, if he had his own funds and you stayed out of how he spent them, didn't ask who paid for what, you wouldn't have this stuff that is adding fuel to the fire of your unhappiness with their dynamic and Chipmunk's immaturity.

I am a lot like you, I'm frugal, I worry about money spent on dates overwhelming our budget. My husband likes to spend money and so that is a regular struggle for us trying to balance that when it comes to other relationships. There is nothing attractive about micromanaging his spending, it doesn't make our relationship better or either of us fonder or more desirous of each other.

"I don't know what it will take for Chipmunk to grow up and be more independent. "
Start acting like she is one. Some ideas
don't cater to her, if she pouts or throws a tantrum, don't respond as if she's a child.
don't take her lunch, let her feed herself
don't remind her of appointments or plans, she is a grownup
don't drive her around like she's your kid that you have to take to soccer practice and dance class, an adult is capable of arranging their own transportation. If Airyn wants to do that, let him on his own.
don't ask how she's spending her money (including asking about it through asking Airyn how the checks are being split or not)
don't lecture her about her bad or immature habits - if things she is doing impact home life negatively (chore stuff) then talk to her as if she were a roommate, theres lots of online advice about how to manage that stuff.
I see your point, now to get Airyn on board. I have actually stopped doing certain things for Chipmunk; however I've noticed that Airyn has picked up what I have dropped.
Like with her work schedule. She has this wall calendar, and we put up dates, and appointments on it. I maintain Wolfs important stuff, but Wolf stands with me as we write it. Where as Chipmunk stopped putting it on the board. I asked her to one week, She didn't so I went back to writing it myself. Then asked her to write it a second time (a few weeks later). She emailed me her schedule and I wrote it for her (dumb of me? maybe but I feel i need to know). This week I didn't ask about her schedule and yesterday she emailed it to Airyn, and has just asked him to write it on the board. I'm not sure how to fix that. It's mostly Airyn who is still catering to her, Not that I'm not, but it is something that I'm working on putting a stop to in myself.

The lunch thing is more about her wanting Airyn to come to her job and visit with her on her lunch break then about us bring her food. And I'm not going up there any more, but he still is. This will possibly be the first week that this is curbed a little, we will see. It's still something that I am talking about with Airyn, unfortunately it's something I have been talking about with him for over a month. It's taken about 6 weeks, and me getting angry with him, and offering him what he could say to Chipmunk to get any where with it. As in he knew how I felt about him going up to visit her on her lunch break when it should be our time together. When I finally got fed up and made a big deal about it he finally told me that he can't just tell Chipmunk that he's not bring her a lunch that she'd get upset with him. So I told him that months ago he had talked to her about needing to spend more time with me, and that a 3 hour time limit isn't spending quality time together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I think the longer you put off talking to him, the worse it will be. Most people don't like thinking a situation is mostly OK to find out that somebody was growing more resentful for months and didn't speak up. I feel like the dynamic is getting more dysfunctional the longer she lives there and is in your space 24/7. I wouldn't suggest waiting til Airyn says he has time and wants to talk, I would tell him I am scheduling X time on X day and we need to be somewhere to talk about stuff alone.
This is good advice, and I know I need to work on my communication. It's a work in progress, and has gotten better. I've also talked to Airyn about him working on his communication as well, but he has no interest in reading these boards. Another problem is privacy, if Chipmunk is home then I can't talk freely with Airyn. For one thing some stuff is between he and I, and not something I need to share with Chipmunk. My style can be rather confrontational (or sometimes just very emotional depending on the topic and how often I've been asking for something), and can get very heated. I'm much more calm these days then when I was at Chipmunk's age. Again this is something I need to work on more. This is one of the things that causes stress. If I'm getting upset and talking to Airyn about it, and Chipmunk is around, she then gets upset with Airyn because I'm upset. This is usually where she says she'll just throw in the towel and move out, and Airyn is either talking her into staying or offer to help her get moved depending on what ever the argument was, and how stressed he is feeling between us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I think the relationship could be good all around if you are able to speak up and be honest. I am wondering if you are struggling with fear that if you tell him you want her to move out that he will refuse? I also wonder if you think you wont be a good partner if you ask for it?

I'm not clear on if you actually want her to move out, but while when you first started posting I figured would be fine if you all quickly made the move to a 3 bedroom place, I wonder if that's really even a viable option to keep living together when you have trouble telling them how you truly feel, or because when you try to communicate you don't feel heard.
Actually in my anger I have asked for this, and when I'm calmer I have been talked into letting things ride. So I feel stuck. I have talked to Airyn about this some what, but I don't think he really understands. So yeah I feel like I'm not being heard. I can talk about what i want, and be told ok we can do that, and then not get it, and come back and talk about it again, and again till I'm in tears. Then Airyns finally sees that something has to be done, and one issue will get fixed. I don't feel that it should be this hard. I feel I should be able to ask for what i want, and be heard, and have my desires/wants/needs considered. IF it's not something that will work right now OK acknowledge that, and move on to something that can happen. But don't promising me something, and then not deliver. (sorry if that sounds directed at you Anneintherain it's not, it's at Airyn, this is a touchy subject for me.) I have multiply times pointed out that there is a pattern of me asking for something, being told ok we'll do this, and then not getting what was agreed on.

As far as a larger place is concerned, I have no idea if it is something that will work. I'm very back and forth on the whole thing. Which is probably why you can't tell how I feel about it. I'll have a great couple hours with Airyn, and feel like this can all work, then something shitty happens, and it falls apart for me. Airyn is ok with letting things roll as is, but I'm not. We are still talking about it. Hopefully after Chipmunk goes to work today He and i can talk before Wolf comes home.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Sorry if I'm coming across as negative, I'm rooting for you, it's just that it appears this relationship is bringing out a lot of co-dependence for you and Airyn, and I think while your behavior is super kind and nice and loving and giving, because Chipmunk isn't all those things, it seems to be causing co-dependent issues with her too, and if that's not nipped in the bud ASAP it's likely to get worse, so I want to encourage you to get out of that cycle, speak up, and ask for what you need and want.

No don't apologize, your words are great they make me think. And gives my circling thoughts a direction, a focus.

Now to figure out how to get my needs heard. That is part of the disconnect with Airyn and I. I'll start doing some reading online about roommate relationship conversations. Cause you are right i see her as an adult version of Wolf, and treat her a lot like I treat Wolf now. I need to stop doing that, and maybe lead Airyn to stop by example? It's worth a shot.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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