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Old 11-26-2012, 06:15 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Yep, I was coming here to talk about mothering too. From an outside position it looks like you're trying to mother them both, if he had his own funds and you stayed out of how he spent them, didn't ask who paid for what, you wouldn't have this stuff that is adding fuel to the fire of your unhappiness with their dynamic and Chipmunk's immaturity.

I am a lot like you, I'm frugal, I worry about money spent on dates overwhelming our budget. My husband likes to spend money and so that is a regular struggle for us trying to balance that when it comes to other relationships. There is nothing attractive about micromanaging his spending, it doesn't make our relationship better or either of us fonder or more desirous of each other.

"I don't know what it will take for Chipmunk to grow up and be more independent. "
Start acting like she is one. Some ideas
don't cater to her, if she pouts or throws a tantrum, don't respond as if she's a child.
don't take her lunch, let her feed herself
don't remind her of appointments or plans, she is a grownup
don't drive her around like she's your kid that you have to take to soccer practice and dance class, an adult is capable of arranging their own transportation. If Airyn wants to do that, let him on his own.
don't ask how she's spending her money (including asking about it through asking Airyn how the checks are being split or not)
don't lecture her about her bad or immature habits - if things she is doing impact home life negatively (chore stuff) then talk to her as if she were a roommate, theres lots of online advice about how to manage that stuff.

I think the longer you put off talking to him, the worse it will be. Most people don't like thinking a situation is mostly OK to find out that somebody was growing more resentful for months and didn't speak up. I feel like the dynamic is getting more dysfunctional the longer she lives there and is in your space 24/7. I wouldn't suggest waiting til Airyn says he has time and wants to talk, I would tell him I am scheduling X time on X day and we need to be somewhere to talk about stuff alone.

I think the relationship could be good all around if you are able to speak up and be honest. I am wondering if you are struggling with fear that if you tell him you want her to move out that he will refuse? I also wonder if you think you wont be a good partner if you ask for it?

I'm not clear on if you actually want her to move out, but while when you first started posting I figured would be fine if you all quickly made the move to a 3 bedroom place, I wonder if that's really even a viable option to keep living together when you have trouble telling them how you truly feel, or because when you try to communicate you don't feel heard.

Sorry if I'm coming across as negative, I'm rooting for you, it's just that it appears this relationship is bringing out a lot of co-dependence for you and Airyn, and I think while your behavior is super kind and nice and loving and giving, because Chipmunk isn't all those things, it seems to be causing co-dependent issues with her too, and if that's not nipped in the bud ASAP it's likely to get worse, so I want to encourage you to get out of that cycle, speak up, and ask for what you need and want.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-26-2012 at 06:23 PM.
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