I used to, and still do to an extent, feel the way that you feel.
I don't have a problem with my GF sharing our issues with her husband, or her coming to me about her husband, as we are both her primaries and would always be fair, encourage the other person's point of view, etc. I trust him now, after hearing that he has defended me in the past. I also trust him to tell me that I'm being a dick
when I mess up with her.
When I met her, she was close to divorce and would come to me with daily problems about her husband, other lovers, everything else. She told me that I was her best friend; that she couldn't talk to anyone the way she could talk to me. Then, later in our relationship, I discovered that she had been talking to a secondary about issues I didn't even know we were having, because she didn't tell me. One example, is that she was feeling claustrophobic due to a) taking something I'd said completely
the wrong way, b) we had just moved in together and she needed a bit more physical space and c) she was trying to learn to balance two live-in primaries, plus secondary relationships. She'd even told him that she didn't know if we would work out. Now, I'd moved from one country to another to be with her. I was horrified, shocked and, like you, felt completely betrayed and threatened. She even told her secondary that she couldn't talk to anyone the way she could talk to him... and this broke my heart, to be honest, as I always thought that was my place. So, my feelings were:
1. Threatened - because I felt secondary was taking my place as her best friend and confidant.
2. Betrayed and embarrassed - I want some privacy and don't want to be thought of in a negative way by her secondaries
3. Disappointed - that she couldn't come to me with the problem(s) and sort them out more quickly.
Do you think that you are feeling these things? When you break it down?
It's often ok to do something, when it's us doing it... but we become upset when it's the other way around. Perhaps your GF wouldn't mind you talking to your secondary about her... but I have a feeling that it might bother her just a tiny bit. So, what are the reasons for our GF's talking to their secondaries instead of / as well as us? Based on what my GF said, and my own ideas, here are some suggestions:
1. They can't come to us. We react over-sensitively, with anger, go into a paranoid state for a week thinking that they will leave us. The idea of telling us they have a problem scares them, tires them, or puts them off.
2. Their secondary defends us, or points out both sides of the argument. They go to them because they *know* they will get a balanced view.
3. They can usually come to us, but just need to vent about something, without getting into a big discussion with us, or worrying/hurting us needlessly.
The other reason... and this is where our dark mind takes us... is that they are glowing closer and closer to their secondary... that we were once their best friend and confidant - yet, they are no longer happy with us, want to leave us and want to be with this new, caring, balance, soft person. Well - the possibility can't be ruled out. When I look back at my relationship with my GF, when she was talking to her secondary more often, she probably did have those thoughts. Hell, I know she did. We were fighting a lot and he was always placid. I didn't actually get over the fact that she might prefer him to me for about 18 months.... then, one day... she came out with the following sentence: "[secondary] and I wouldn't have the same passion as we have. And he is always so damn placid. I like your fiestiness." Hallelujah! I was worried she'd want him more BECAUSE he was so placid... and she wondered the same thing for a while... but, with exploration and being able to explore that relationship... she realised that it was actually too boring, too stable for her. We might have argued a lot; but we would slay dragons for each other, too. Her secondary never agues, is a great confidant, but he'd probably make a cup of tea for the dragon and get them both killed.
My point with this... is that you do have to ask her if that's why she talks to him. Listen to what she says. Tell her how you feel. If it seems like she is currently preferring him... don't let it scare you. Be the best version of yourself that you can be and she will see it. If she IS thinking that he might be a better partner than you... what do you want to show her? Anger, insecurity and jealousy? Or self-improvement, development, support and understanding. Easier said than done, I know, but it's worth thinking about.
My partner keeps telling me that this agreement I am asking for is "too monogamous" and isn't really poly. It drives me crazy, because I really like being poly. I just want a form of poly that feels right to me.
Monogamy is choosing to love one person, choosing to be with one person. This has nothing to do with monogamy. Perhaps she feels that your feelings on privacy are too *restrictive* - she wants multiple relationships and wants to be able to talk about all of her issues with partners to all other partners.
So, what can you do next?
Firstly, work out WHAT is bothering you. Is it fear of replacement as her boyfriend, confidant, best friend? Is it that you are embarrassed about your faults and don't want anyone else knowing? Is it all of those things and more? Get them straight in your mind, so that you can lay them out to her. And REMEMBER - don't accuse her. When I'm talking to my GF about insecurities, I literally start my sentence with... "I know that I am being ridiculous, but these are the insecurities I'm trying to work through. I'm not telling you them because you've done something wrong - I'm telling you so that I can UNDERSTAND you better, so that you can understand me, and so that I can overcome them. Are you ready to listen?"
Once that's out of the way, try to come up with a compromise together. I think, as uncomfortable as it is, it is ok to talk to secondaries WHEN NECESSARY. What I don't feel she should be doing is giving her secondary a daily run down of your relationship. I also don't feel that it's right to talk to him about something without at least making you aware that she's having an issue. She needs to hear you out first, otherwise how is the problem going to get solved? Ask her what his responses have been. Tell her that you trust her to make her own decisions about who to confide in - but to consider people's responses as: "would I want my boyfriend's secondary to give this kind of answer, if he told her something about me?" Get her to think about what kind of advice she's getting. My last secondary always used to take my side when I confided in her. That messed with my head. My current secondaries tell me that I'm being an idiot, or if they think I'm right, they ALWAYS encourage me to talk to her, whilst coming up with a few ideas about what she might have done whatever I'm crying about.
I hope that this helps - please let us know how it goes if you talk to her!