Originally Posted by Anneintherain
So things that would drive me bonkers about the situation aside - I see one thing you talk about that comes up a lot for people. It seems $ is a sticking point (is for me too, Adam works, I don't, dating, budget, limits, justifying paying to go out on dates when I don't have a job, all are on my mind).
You are working, he works but not at a paying job. In any marriage where this is the case, people will recommend that the non job having person have an allowance, or a discretionary budget of their own to manage, preferably in a separate account so they can spend it as they like - dating, hobbies, indulgences. If Airyn had that, and you let go of managing his spending around dates as long as he's pulling from that set aside money, do you think he is capable of managing his dating through that? If he has $X, he should be able to figure out if he can afford to go out or not. If he wants to blow a months "allowance" the first week by indulging in taking out Chipmunk, then its really on them to eat at home the rest of the month, and it wont be up to you to TELL him that, because it will be obvious to him when his bank account is empty.
I will add that a discussion about fairness and what will work realistically for you both should accompany that, usually if both of you have the same budget for dating that sits best with both parties, as it isn't really fair if you prefer to work and have him stay home, but want to spend $100 a week going out while he only gets $25, unless it's agreed that it makes sense due to the situation, so on and so forth.
You are absolutly right, and it is something we are sort of talking about. My concern is that He will revert to where he was before we combined our finances. Where he's not keeping up with what he has, versus how much he is spending.
Thank you for your insight. Don't be afraid to offer other options/suggestions/opinions either. I do appreciate the feed back I get. And I realize that many of my blog posts have a negative unhappy sound. It's my way of purging i think. I mostly feel like it helps too.
This whole thing came up just in the last couple weeks. About two weeks ago I was out with a friend meeting History for the first time, Chipmunk and Airyn come in and get seats, get something to eat, and are having a "lunch date" together. Afterwards we go home together, and I remark on it. Telling Airyn that Chipmunk is going to have to realize that I won't be paying every time they go out together, that some times sure, but not always. He didn't say anything to that. He had already started looking at a job oportunity, and was putting together a resume for it.
I pointed out to him that he has spent as much going out with Chipmunk (one person) as I have going out with History and Boots this month (two people). So I feel I'm the one who's frugal, and financialy aware, and he's not. Plus this past weekend was his Birthday. I talked to him early in the month and that week about he and I going out on his birthday. He asked me to save the money we'd send and put it towards the Nexus 7 he wants. I agreed.
Chipmunk had been talking about taking him out to eat for at least two weeks. She was telling me about a couple places she thought would interest him, and a couple days before her day off (the day she intended to take him out for his b-day) she had narrowed it down to like 3 options, and asked his opinion. They choose a place, and I suggested that they make a reservation as the place they picked is generally busy on a Saturday night. She didn't want to do that, felt it was Airyn's (as the GUY) job to make the reservation. I pointed out that she had asked him out on a date, and so that would be hers to do. Airyn ended up making the reservation, and then last minute
is asking me about spliting the cost above a certain amount. Chipmunk was using a groupon to get 30$ for 15$ so 30$ worth of food was covered, but any alcohol was not. So with Airyn not wanting me to take him out I felt it was wrong of him to ask about paying for him to go out on the b-day date with Chipmunk.
What will probably happen is I'll give him cash for the week/month and once that's gone he needs to be done. But we haven't gotten that far yet.
I think that really I'm more hurt that they have more time together then he and I do. I still have a three hour time limit. Even though the lunch thing has been talked about, and is being removed on my days with Airyn, it has yet to happen.
I'm not as angry, or sad now. Just hurting. I want my weekends back, and don't see that happening. I don't feel I have any incentive to be understanding of her needs/wants. I also have no sympath for someone who shows so little common sense, and an lack of willingness to take good advice when it is offered. I have told Airyn several times that the weekends are the hardest for me. It's something I expect we'll talk about more today while I'm less upset and emotional. Something has to give. I'm not going to continue to make time for the two of them If my wants aren't going to be taken into consideration. Ok so she's sick, but she is always sick. I want a good day and a good night with just Airyn too, and have yet to get that.
Thanks for listening to me rant and rave.