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Old 11-25-2012, 07:47 PM
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LilacViolin LilacViolin is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Dallas
Posts: 37
Default Waiting, or maybe not.

**Disclaimer: I am sick with a fever, and I think it makes sense but I'm not absolutely sure.**

The uncertainty continues...

I have been dating Rose for two years. Last weekend she visited Orchid for the first time in a little more than two years. (Yes, I am the rebound girl) They really hit it off again, rekindled their love, and they have decided they would like to eventually live near/with each other and be primaries. They also have decided that they would like to continue to be poly, both while they are apart and while they are together.

Rose has asked that we continue to be best friends while she figures out how she feels about *having* a primary, and how it feels to have a secondary. We have always been close secondaries, but we both realize that her romantic focus is now Orchid. (I'm completely happy with that, Orchid is amazing and I think we'd be good friends.) Rose has said, and I believe, that the time is for her to figure how her feelings, how to navigate having a primary and a secondary, rather than how she feels about me.

At first Rose said that I needed to be only her best friend because of how rocky our relationship has been. Now, with processing on her part and open communication, she has told me that this time is about her figuring things out with in her heart and her head rather than us focusing on our relationship. (I had another thread about being in the Friend Zone and now I'm not sure that is the truth. I'm not sure that we will be anything more than friends. I'm just not sure.)

I miss what we had. We have a healthier relationship, truly, but I miss the good of what we had. I'm horrible at being patient. I'm anxious and sad. I'm having a hard time realizing it has just been a week since she saw Orchid. Surely it takes longer than a week to move from having a secondary to having a primary and a secondary. Right? Am I being naive?

If things don't work out with Rose, even with just friendship, I do not want to date anyone right now.

What do you think? Do I give up on all of this? Two years of relationship, including really good friendship (including our kids playing together, shared friendships.) On the other hand, will it be a painful time until she moves to live near Orchid, to just be friends? I should add that, while I will be sad when Rose moves, I fully think it is the best thing for her and completely support her.

P.S. Rose's birthday is soon and I had looked forward to pleasing her for months. Bought clothes and toys. Sigh...

**Edited to add - Orchid has seen a few people with whom she might date. Rose has said that she that part of her thought process is that she feels like a hypocrite being with me while she feels jealous of Orchid's relationships. She has also said that both of them agree to discuss entering (or re-entering) a sexual relationship with each other before having sex with another person. Finally, Rose and I have already discussed being STD-free. Orchid has been very clear that safe sex is important to her because safe sex is important to her, then Rose, then me, then Programmer. I appreciate that she's both believing that she will have a secondary and that safety is important.**
Me (Lilac) - pan, queer woman, spouse to Programmer
Programmer - Spouse of Lilac, bisexual man
Not currently in relationships with others.

Last edited by LilacViolin; 11-25-2012 at 08:02 PM.
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