View Single Post
Old 11-24-2012, 07:42 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Never tell New Person that your partner is feeling insecure, unless your partner specifically requests that you reveal that.
- act as a partnership - my girlfriend used to do things, THEN inform me. She'd make dates and tell me she'd made a date. Give her number out to online guys, then tell me she'd done it. That made me feel unimportant. Nowadays, she tries to discuss it with me before she does it, which makes me feel like a consideration = less insecurity = less problems about NRE.
I actually disagree with both of these things. Not that those can't work for some but definitely wouldn't work for me or be something I would advice.

To the first, I don't see why I couldn't share with a new person the basic fact that my partner is feeling insecure. Moreover, if you're trying to build a relationship with the new person I even consider it something they may need to know. It is not uncommon to sometimes feel insecure and it is totally understandable. If the new person used information about my partner's insecurities in a harmful way, I would know they are not somebody I want to have a relationship with.

To the second, I would rather advice to treat poly as other things in life. I.e. if you negotiate with your partner about it when you will go out with friends, also negotiate about it when to go on a date. But if you are autonomous in your decisions in other things, treat poly similarly. I am definitely one to make my own plans and inform my partners about them; I only negotiate if it is something that directly involves and affects them (e.g. having somebody sleep over at the flat I share with my partner). I believe my partners trust me to make decisions that take them into account, and I also expect them to let me know any information relevant to decision-making and ask if they would like something to be done differently in the future.

Last edited by rory; 11-24-2012 at 07:44 PM.
Reply With Quote