Advice? Don't know how to go about this.
Thanks to anyone who reads this! Sorry it's long, I'm pretty thorough.
My husband and I are looking to explore polyamory and I wanted to ask anyone who knows more than us some questions.
Some background to our relationship: my husband and I have been together for 13 years (married for 5 of those 13 years). We just had our first child a year ago. Both of us are straight. I enjoy the female form, but have no desire to be sexual with a female and my husband has the same thoughts on guys. We have been closeted swingers (and it must stay that way) for the past 6-7 years and have enjoyed our open relationship very much. It has mostly consisted of threesomes with another male, but occasionally we are able to have both another male and female. I can also be intimate with a guy by myself, but my husband is either in the room watching or in another room close by. Very rarely am I "allowed" to do this when he isn't in the same place as I am. On the other hand I have allowed him to be some where else with another woman on numerous occasions.
Lately, my husband and I have been talking about our swinging and how it has evolved over the years and i asked him about poly. He stated that he was interested in the dynamic, but was unsure how it would work with our child and how "serious" we were looking to get with other people. I gave him an example of me having a boyfriend or him having a girlfriend who didn't live with us who we saw 1-2 times a week by ourselves and he seemed okay with it. Obviously, we would speak further on the rules and such if we pursued such a thing.
Anyway, I mentioned me having a boyfriend to my husband because when we first began swinging we met a guy who was very open to what we do. We hit it off well and through the years he became my "go-to" guy whenever I could. He also became very good friends with both of us. Unfortunately, he lives 5 hours away and he hasn't been able to travel very often in the past couple of years, and we haven't been able to either with the birth of our child and some financial issues. So I have been in contact with him through various ways, mostly just as a friend. Recently, I realized that I have developed feelings towards him. On the verge of love I think. The issue is that I don't think the guy knows this (and he lives 5 hours away). I also don't know if he'd even be interested in being my "boyfriend" as I know he's definitely looking for a person that he can spend his life with and have a family (which in a different world I would be happy to give him, but that's not possible).
In addition, I told my husband that I think I love the guy and he said that he had a feeling that might have been the case. After I mentioned that, he kind of took back his openness to the poly idea. He said that he knows that I love him and would never leave him (which is the truth! I love him more than anything!), but he cant get past the fact that I now love someone else other than him when it's only been him for so long.
Okay so here's the jist of it all:
1. How do I assure my husband that I love him the most and the love I have for this other guy is TOTALLY different?
2. How do I bring up my feelings to the other guy without it being weird? We don't want to lose our friendship with him no matter what. I'd end our sexual relationship if it had to be either friends or not friends.
3. Is it even feasible to be in a poly relationship with someone so far away? He is 5 hours away and will likely never move anywhere near us in the future. And although had mentioned he is always looking for something closer (not just because of us. He has many friends in the state we live in since he went to college here). He does have a good job where he lives and why give up a good job.
I hope this all makes some sort of sense. Please let me know if there are any questions. This has been on my mind for quite sometime and I would love to make it more at ease with a little advice and feedback on my situation.