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Old 11-24-2012, 02:56 PM
AlixDomme AlixDomme is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 10
Default Need Advice: collecting people to have what you need?

I am new (in the last 6 months) to poly after being monogamous in marriage for 4 yrs. My husband and I started dating a woman and are now in a triad. Husband and I are both on the needy side, while our gf enjoys her alone time and privacy. In a way this is great--she will never want to move in with us (we have kids and dont want another person to parent them). And we have plwnty of time just hubby and me together. But personally I like to feel needed and wanted and I don't feel that way with Gf. She has a 9-5 job and doesnt text or call or email from work which is completely understandable. But if we send her a message or text even after work hours she doesnt even always write back. She is fine with not talking to us for days at a time. She says she thinks of us all the time and she has even used the L word (we haven't!) but she just doesnt always show it. This drives me nuts.

So my big question is...since she is not fulfilling my needs, do I seek out another partner on the side who would be more communicative bc that is something I need, and if so, won't this start a massive "No One is Good Enough--Keep Collecting" type mindset? I worry that with poly I will never just accept someone bc I will always be finding flaws and then looking elsewhere for my needs that are not fulfilled. Why can't I just be happy *enough* with what I have??

And yes we have talked to our gf about how we like to stay in contact. She says she will work on it but things don't really change. She is happy just spending 2 evenings a week with us and then doing her own thing/not talking to us much the rest of the week. I am considering saying "I really need contact daily and I need responses to emails I write...I know that's not how you are so I need permission to date someone else who can fulfill these needs" but in reality I am not very good at saying these things. (She is terrified of STDs and has asked us not to have sex with other people except in bdsm scenes/gloves/no oral so that is why I have to *ask* permission).
Queer and married with kids and unsure about poly even after all this time.
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