Hey, thanks for your responses.
I discussed this w my therapist and she agrees if I'm gonna talk to him about it I should be ready to think about and explain why maybe I am still interested in men, maybe it's not a gay straight thing.
I think what really bothered me the most about having regular sex w my bf is the expectation to always be physical. I realized, I very much like and need to be in control of my situations, my feelings and my body. If I want to spend time with someone I care about I don't want the pressure hanging over my head to have sex and feel guilty if I'm not in the mood. I LOVE polyamory because I feel I'm truly in control of my life and can be myself and love people the ways that feel natural to me. I need polyamory because I need to be my own person, I don't want to be owned.
My bf and I hung out last week and had quality time together, talking, cooking, cuddling. We made out a little and it was nice. I enjoyed just being close to him and being affectionate, showing each other we care. I didn't want to do anything more than that and I'm relieved we are on this break from sex because I don't have to explain myself if I don't feel like going further. I don't know. I feel okay with my decision but its still hard getting past that society says this makes me a bad lover.
As far as other guys, I don't wanna go further than that w anyone at this pt either. I think I'm just feeling really curious as to what it's like kissing another guy or being intimate like that. I think I'm just feeling the need to have the freedom to explore my sexuality and emotions in my own way in my own time. I don't wanna hurt anyone I just want to experience life and people and see what I can learn.
I'm completely open to my bf & gf exploring these things w other people. It makes me happy to see and hear about. It's hard to feel like I have different guidelines when I see them making out with whoever they want whenever they want lol. I dunno I'm trying to get better at talking about my feelings and needs. It helps to hash it all out here first.