Aigh, I had typed out this long response, and it got eaten. >.<
Suffice it to say- I really appreciate the replies and suggestions and they have all been helpful, thank you very much.
I think Sparklepop hit on something- I am feeling claustrophobic and resistant to the thought of giving in and settling back into a romantic relationship with my husband. I honestly wish having a platonic relationship with him were possible but I don't think he'd be satisfied with that at all and would be upset and hurt at the suggestion.
I wish leaving for 6 months as a trial period were possible. I may still explore that option in the future, but given my husband's current mindset, I believe he'd be so hurt and angered by that move that the relationship would likely be over at that point, and I also hate the thought of creating such an upheaval in my son's life for a trial period...but the idea does sound a little tempting, just to see what it felt like.
My husband and I talked today, and what I'm getting from him is that he's hurt and upset because of the fact that I don't seem to want physical intimacy with him. I feel like he's being too impatient and pushing when I'm not sure I'm ready to re-establish that with him just yet. He's been reading so much into our interactions, and reading them incorrectly, that it's been painfully obvious that despite my ongoing attempts to communicate with him and re-establish some sort of connection again, he really doesn't know me or understand me at all right now and that feeling doesn't really make me want to rush back into intimacy.
I suggested that maybe we try to come up with a time period to make some progress towards some specific, measurable, attainable goals for the relationship (been reading about that on other threads and think it's a great idea)- and for him to please take a little time today to think about what those goals could be and we'll discuss them later tonight. Maybe with a time period, I won't feel so hopeless and claustrophobic about being stuck back in limbo. And maybe with the thought that we're going to work towards some specific goals, he'll feel like we'll be able to see if we're making any progress or not. He seemed really unhappy and upset about the fact that I wasn't ready to jump back into intimacy with him and didn't have any interest in physical relations with him but I told him that at least we were talking and trying and I was still wanting to try to work with him to see if we could make things better instead of just giving up- which seemed at least a little hopeful to me.
Things with my boyfriend seem to be going better. He and I haven't had much time to talk or connect with me spending most of my time with my husband trying to talk and work with him, but we got to spend a little time last night (which ended early as it got interrupted by my husband even after I asked him if it was ok if I spent some time with my boyfriend). My bf and I got to talk a little about his other potential girlfriend, and I was able to broach the subject without that shaky, sick feeling and actually have a decent conversation about it, which seemed to help a lot. He and I seemed to be able to reconnect, and I felt a lot better about things with him and we even made a date night for Sunday, when my husband will be gone to work.
Hoping to get in to see a counselor next week. I am feeling a little stronger, a little more capable of dealing with things after falling apart Monday. I'm trying to stay hopeful and open about things and just do my best to try to be honest and considerate to both my partners and communicate as effectively as I can, while also thinking through what changes I may need to make and what I am really capable of doing and what I'm not. I want them to be happy, but I know I need to be happy too.