View Single Post
Old 11-23-2012, 01:07 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

To me it sounds like an open relationship would suit you better than swinging, i.e. both of you being able to pursue sexual/emotional relationships separately rather than as a couple. It is understandable that he would feel like it's imbalanced or unfair or that he would have better chances if you were with him. But those are his feelings to manage. They are not something you need to fix, and it is definitely not your responsibility to help him find partners.

If you feel like trying swinging, you can, but if you don't think it's for you, then it probably is not. You don't need to find compromise with him about that. It's cool that you want to be considerate to him, but whether you're comfortable or not is for you to decide.

I think both of you need acceptance for each other's agency in this. If you don't feel like swinging, you can totally decide not to. But also (whether you decide to swing or not), your husband has his own choices to make on whether, in the long run, he wants to be in an open/poly relationship.

Also, mutual decisions are something both/all parties are responsible for. Right now he has decided to open up and is deciding to stay with you and live with the fact that you have another partner. That is his decision. Even if you were the one who wanted to open up more, even if you were the one to realise you want poly only after you were already married. Still, in agreeing to stay with you and to open up, he agreed to the consequences. My point is, it is not something you are doing to him, it is something he agreed to. He is allowed to any feelings he may have, but it is not your responsibility to fix them just because you were the one who wanted to open up or are "getting more out of it". It is not a competition, it is a decision you made together and keep on making together everyday.

That is where the fallacy of thinking sometimes sneaks in. I know I have suffered from hinge guilt: that is, felt guilty for "making my partner feel bad" when he has felt jealousy (I talk about Alec, because this has been more of an issue in my relationship with him). But that is not actually what is going on. I am not making him feel bad. He has choices, and those choices have consequences. He has agreed to open relationship and then to poly (we used to be monogamous before). He didn't have to agree, but he did. Yet, you can't always foresee the consequences of what you choose. Thus, he may not have known at the time that he would feel jealous. That is why it is also something he keeps on choosing in staying in the relationship. I cannot fix his feelings and it is not my responsibility to do so even if I'm the evil selfish person who has more partners (=what society and culture and helpful acquiantances will tell us if given the chance). He has a choice. All I can do and should do is trust him to make the choice. That means, I trust him to do what he needs to do and what he decides is best for him. If he chooses to stay, I trust that his feelings are something he wants to handle. If they become something he cannot handle, something that is harmful to him, I trust he will choose to end the relationship. I trust him to protect himself.

Last edited by rory; 11-23-2012 at 01:10 PM.
Reply With Quote