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Old 11-23-2012, 12:53 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 832

Originally Posted by kitkat88 View Post
From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it.
I don't think it's always about fear or judgment, and sometimes not about lack of understanding, either.

From the start, I have seen the inherent problems with polyamory, particularly for a single person dating a married one. My bf, from the start, who has been living this way for years and understands poly quite well, has told me upfront that it's become an issue for him every single time as these single women start off thinking they'll be okay with it, fall in love, and then, surprise, struggle to accept that he's got a wife and is never going to be any more to them than a guy who sweet talks them but can't ultimately give them anything more.

After a year in, I feel I, too, have a decent enough understanding of poly, and I'm happy enough with the 'part-time boyfriend' deal for many reasons related to my current life...but my situation isn't typical.

The average single woman on a dating site is usually not looking for a half-time boyfriend, one who often can't include her in vacations or holidays, one whose wife in theory could nix the relationship any time and whose wife may be defining the boundaries of their relationship; one who perhaps does not want their relationship acknowledged if he's still in the closet; one she has a hard time explaining to family and friends; one who may not be able to be there if she has a need, because he's on a date or vacation with his wife; one who cannot follow the normal course to engagement, marriage, children. People in general do not go on dating sites looking for a relationship that will be limited from the very start.

It's not fear, judgment, or lack of understanding to not want to date a married man. It's a very clear understanding of the very real problems that are inherent to dating a married man, no matter how much his wife knows and accepts. It's understanding one's own wants and needs from a relationship, and wisely discerning that a married man does not meet that criteria. This is valid and reasonable and should not be discounted as fear, judgment, or lack of understanding.

A person should not be faulted or dismissed as fearful, judgmental, or not understanding, for exercising their prerogative NOT to date a married man.
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