Date with CuteBiGuy (I think I will call him BGuy for short, so I'm not reminded of his cuteness everytime I write aboout him
) was... interesting.
He's incredibly smart, clever, intelligent, witty... all huge turn ons for me, and we have great conversation. Very open, honest, energy flowing back and forth. As the evening progressed, I became more and more unsure about the physical attraction and if there was any. I mean, I find him very cute, his body language intrigues me.. he's definitely more feminine than any guy I've ever been with, but not in an unattractive way (I say this because I am usually atracted to very masculine guys). But I just could not figure out how he felt about me. He had dropped hints in email conversation about having fantasies about me, but when we were out drinking, I did not really pick up a vibe. So I asked him
And he said, well, I wouldn't mind taking you home, right now! which surprised, flattered and excited me.
I knew I wouldn't act on it though, but I had put myself in a bit of a predicament, because I felt I had to explain why I wouldn't, which was difficult, because I wasn't even sure myself.
There are 2 reasons why I hesitate getting sexually involved with another guy - one is me, the other is: the others.
MrBrown doesn't care what I do or with whom, although he loves to hear my stories. But towards Ren and Curlz I feel a kind of.. I don't know... guilt? responsibility? I know it would be ok with Ren, if I had sex with BGuy... he would even be ok with a casual, FWB type realtionship. He would have problems if I added another 'real' committed relationship to my life. Well, I don;t know where I would find the time, anyway. And C, I dont know how he would react. I'm still his only partner, though he's dating. If I sleep with BGuy (and if we hit it off sexually, this would be something we could, and wanted to do more often, because neither of us are looking for just a one night stand) this means I have 4 sexual partners.
And there comes the 'me' reason.
Part of me enjoys the definite sense of sluttiness I get from just fantasizing about having sex with a new partner. Discovering someone, finding out what they like, what they can make me feel like. (and to this I have to add that while I love C deeply, the sex isn't always without complications. When it's good, its very warm and loving and meaningful, but because he has occasional ED, it isn't always as playful, light, and fun as I'd like it to be).
And then another part of me thinks 'what am I doing?' I've been 'monogamous' with my 3 men for amost a year now. The thought of taking my clothes of for yet another new guy scares me to death.
And then I think: what if the sex is really good.. I know myself, feelings will get involved, and oh boy, it can become a complicated mess.
I just don't know!
We've been in touch via email and text, it's nice, and I can tell he really likes me, and that he wants me. In fact, he JUST sent me a text saing he was thinking of me when he was the shower... He has also said that if I want to be just friends, that's an option too. We'll see. I have to say it also feels really good to be giving this a lot of thought. To know I am attracted to someone but that that doesn't mean I have to act on it. My self esteem doesn't depend on it, where as last year, when I slept around a LOT, it sure did.
In other news, I'm going to my first ever poly-meet up tonight! I live in a small country with not much of a poly community, but there have been meet ups a couple of times, but I've never managed to go to one so far. I'm very curious, and the voyeuristic side of me is excited. It will be interesting for sure.