But maybe the next night we're being playful and sexy and suggestive and I say "did you do xy or z with so and so" then I want a little more info... could lead to GREAT sex for us.
This, at least on your side, is party why I do NOT share specifics, or expect them. My wife and I have different sexual kinks. Maybe that's a bad word. Tastes?
The reason we first began exploring poly (or more specifically, being "open") is that we have a sexual disconnect. She seems to see out partners in the extreme. She's into BDSM and comes how from R's place bruised up. That's her stuff, it's fully consentual. When she tells me things like "He has a nipple pump", it's somewhat... odd... to me. It's a world that's so far gone from me I can't, and sort of don't WANT to relate to it. I don't detest it. The fact that it matters to HER matters to me, but the details... I honestly would rather NOT know since I find them a little odd.
I still think we've rescinded the don't-ask-don't-tell rule. We don't share details but we share feelings. The details don't matter to me. How she FEELS about her experiences do, and she can convey that without a play-by-play.