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Old 11-23-2012, 09:04 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
My husband and I are having issues around the holiday. My husband asked her (S) what she was doing for thanksgiving. She (I guess) wanted to be invited over but I am just not ready for that. Now we will be facing Christmas...

Here is what I need advice for: Is it for the primary couple to decide boundaries and go from there? Or should I insist that my husband and his girlfriend communicate what they want before I make a decision?

My husband and mine's desires are at odds. He has told me that he wants a full-on poly family with his girlfriend included in situations and ultimately living together.
....
What is my husband's responsibility to communicate directly with his GF and tell me her desires?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
I have met her and like her, but I don't desire to be friends with her.. ..I was wonder whether it would be appropriate for ME to ask her what she wants when HE can't' even do that.
Well ironically if you do take things up directly with his gf, you'll be giving him a bit of what he wants towards the "full on poly family" by bonding with her in some way - but I'm still for it if you are OK with that.
Really if you are comfortable doing it, I think a lot can be accomplished in a positive direction if metamours are willing to talk, and if you get to know her better at least you'd probably find clarity on if this "poly family everybody living together" desire your husband has. I think it's perfectly fine to ask a metamour what they want and how they feel without being buddies with them, I think with a non communicative hinge, that might get both of you more of the things you want.

If you already know how you feel about Christmas, no you should probably NOT wait for them to figure out what they want then negotiate with you, you should make your desires clear now so the gf doesn't get strung along with some idea that there is room for negotiation that isn't going to happen. Feel free to suggest that Christmas Eve they have a date, or spend the night together the 23rd, or whatever feels right for you wherever the relationship is right now.

It's not for the "primary couple" to decide per se, but each individual. Maybe your husband will decide he wants to go do Christmas with her for example - but that does not mean you need to invite somebody into your home and life when you are not ready for it.

About him not being out - if it ends up being important to both you and her that he lets people know what is going on, I imagine there is a better chance that he will make it happen - not that I'm for peer pressure or anything but I understand two women seeking a common goal can make almost anything a reality
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