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Old 11-23-2012, 05:16 AM
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Tohru Tohru is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 12
Default How to make a poly/swinger relationship work?

My current situation with my husband is a tricky one. We got married 3 years ago under the pretenses that it would be a monogamous marriage. Obviously, I found out during the marriage that I could not be exclusively monogamous (I mean, I could be monogamous if it just happened that way, but the main point was, I didn't want to feel like I "belonged" to any one person).

My husband and I sought counseling, and it helped a lot. He was able to accept me having a relationship with another guy, whom I've been dating for about 4 months. It's been going pretty smoothly so far.

My issue is that my husband is more of a swinger. He doesn't really want to be in a relationship, but wants to have casual, sexual encounters. And well, this would be ok with me, except he wants it to involve me, because it is easier for people to swing as a couple than for him to be a single guy trying to find other people to sleep with. I want to be able to cater to this, but at the same time, I open up sexually after I have made some kind of emotional connection with someone first, which usually takes a long time to happen for me. I am a sexually shy person.

I guess I'm worried if I can or can't be more sexually open with other people. And if I'm not able to be more sexually adventurous, what that could mean for my relationship with my husband. I'm not sure how to draw a line between being able to compromise, but also being aware of what I am really comfortable doing or not.

Another side note that worries me, when my husband and I were discussing opening up our marriage, it seemed pretty clear that he wanted things to feel balanced. While I understand this, in a way, it's hard to acknowledge because if it were the other way around (my husband in a relationship, but I wasn't), I wouldn't be looking to have a relationship to "balance" it out. And I wouldn't expect him to do something with me (like swinging) if he didn't want to. Polyamory to me isn't about settling the score or balancing the relationship. You meet and fall in love with people at random times, and your partner shouldn't be expected to find someone too. I just think my husband has a hard time understanding this. I do understand his needs, I'm just not sure if he understands mine sometimes.

Has anyone else had this kind of dilemma? Even if you haven't, does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to go about this? Please and thank you
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"When we are first born, all we know is how to want, we want food, we want attention. Natural instinct, I guess. But kindness is something that we all have to learn as we go. It's something that grows and develops slowly over time. True kindness isn't something we are born with, it's something we have to work at, we have to mold it and shape it within ourselves. Not everyone has it, but I think everyone has the potential." - Honda Tohru
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