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Old 11-22-2012, 07:22 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
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Thank you Nycindie, I appreciate your comments.

If it helps to put my relationships in focus. The first say 10 post are the ones where I'm writing from a place of hurt, and sadness. I readily admit that my view of circumstances at that time is skewed, and is probably still very much out of proportion to what was actually happening. I also admit that these are how I feel, and how I interrupt them to feel so it's not very accurate to what they are actually going through. Unfortunately neither Airyn nor Chipmunk have any interest in participating in these forums.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Wow, I have to hand it to you for hanging in there with this situation. I've been reading your blog and am fascinated by how you are conducting your relationships. There seem to be so many aspects of Chipmunk and Airyn's relationship that you are forced to micro-manage to the nnnnnth degree, and Airyn seems to want to be in control of how you and Chipmunk even speak to each other, what can and cannot be discussed between you, and how things are said and interpreted. That would drive me nuts. I am a very detail-oriented person, but in my own relationships I wouldn't be able to handle such detailed negotiating and all the... nitpicking?... others do that you wind up having to answer to and navigate around. I guess it's because she lives with you that you are sort of put in a position of managing her, too. She sounds so much younger and less mature than you. I can't imagine having to tell a grown adult to bring her own lunch to work, nor that it would even be an issue relationship-wise (what would she do - just not eat at all if Airyn didn't bring her lunch? When she works within walking distance of home? It boggles the mind). I'm not criticizing, but it's kind of exhausting (for me) to read your posts. However, I can't look away.
Airyn isn't so much controlling how I speak to chipmunk nor is he telling me what I can and can not talk with her about. I have asked him to be my sounding board, and help me talk to Chipmunk about the things she and I need to talk about without my being too aggressive with her. I'm not sure if I can adequately explain, but here goes. I have always had a short loud temper. So for someone like Chipmunk who can not handle confrontation, especially with someone who can quickly become loud and aggressive (like I can) it can be difficult for she and I to actually communicate. If something is upsetting me I find it best (now) for me to write out what I want to say, and talk it out with Airyn before taking it to Chipmunk. It worked really well this time, and I plan to do it again. It reduces my tendency to become heated, and helps keep the conversation on the important details instead of allowing things to run off track too. Does this make sense?

Chipmunk is very young, and immature. Until I talked with her last night it never occurred to her that her desire to have Airyn visit her ever day she works for lunch was a negative for my relationship with Airyn. Nor did she realize that it is and would continue to cause friction between she and I. She's very self centered in that way, but what 20 year old one living for the first time outside (direct) parental influence isn't that way. She and I are a lot alike, I'm just older and more aware of these things then she is. I've done a lot of introspection to be where I am now. It hasn't been easy as you can tell from my posts.

I'm not sure if i have said this before, but we all live together. Living together and sharing one bedroom is why Airyn having to bring Chipmunk lunch three hours after dropping her off at work is an issue. If we had more space and I could spend time alone with Airyn even when Chipmunk isn't at work then this would be a non issue (for me). Not sure how Chipmunk would feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I do admire how thoughtful you are and how you keep coming back to both Airyn and Chipmunk to express what you need and how you feel. You strike me as rather fearless and assertive in that regard, as that is always something I have to push past numerous insecurities to do, myself.

To me, how you are working it all out really does drive home how unique every poly arrangement truly is, and how they reflect the individuals involved... how they have to reflect the individuals. There really can't be one general set of rules applied to everyone who wants multiple relationships. Keep writing and keep hanging in there! I am sure there are others who also get a lot out of reading your blog.
If it weren't for the relationship that Airyn and I have I would struggle to come to him with how I feel as much as I do. I do have a very hard time talking to Chipmunk about how I feel. Generally I talk to Airyn about it, and he tells me that I will need to talk to Chipmunk about it, and that he'll be there for moral support so I can feel confident enough to say what I need to say. And his being close helps ground me so that I don't get outside of the communication styles that work best for Chipmunk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
(what would she do - just not eat at all if Airyn didn't bring her lunch? When she works within walking distance of home? It boggles the mind). I'm not criticizing, but it's kind of exhausting (for me) to read your posts. However, I can't look away.
lol, yes it does boggle the mind I've spent the last oh three weeks or so talking to Airyn about it. I was very heated and angry over it. Last Friday was the last straw for me. Airyn had asked what I wanted to do on "our" day. I told him, then he agreed to bring Chipmunk lunch and there goes us having time to go out anywhere. I was very sad about it. And told him that he could ask for the same thing. He was worried that if he just told Chipmunk that he wasn't going to bring her lunch that she'd get pissed (she very sensitive/emotional and quick to be hurt/upset over little things). So I gave him some word choice suggestions that helped. And he did talk to her about this Friday and him actually spending her entire time at work with just me.

Airyn had told Chipmunk months ago that he really needed to be able to spend more time with me. At that time Chipmunk's job did not offer more then an hour a day 3-4 days a week for me and Airyn. I told him to start with reminding her of that, and then to show her how She is able to go out place with him, and I am not due to the whole lunch thing.

Also, Chipmunk has yet to come to me with issues she is having. Generally she talks with Airyn, and I hear about it from him. That might clear things up some what.

The Micro-managing/nitpicking that you refer to is obnoxious to me as well. I don't like doing it, but it seems to be what Chipmunk wants/needs right now. I'm trying to get her to a place where she needs that less. I don't like having an adult child to care for.

And thanks again Nycindie for sharing your thoughts, and empathy. It means a lot to me.

I just started that wonder time of the month, and am being a bit more emotional then I have been before. Tiny things really bothered me this morning. I talked to Airyn about it. He gave me hugs and told me that I shouldn't be worried and worked up about these little things. I told him that logically I know I'm being silly, and that I can tell I'm being emotional I just don't know how to stop. I also told him to took some Mydol, and that I'd (hopefully) be OK again soon. He told me that it's ok. That I'm fine, and we hugged and snuggled for a long while. It was just what I needed this morning.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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