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Old 11-22-2012, 06:29 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

respectful virtual hugs offered

I know what you mean. I didn't remember my childhood until I was 28ish. And when I remembered what I remembered, it felt a lot like everything I had ever believed or known was turned inside out and upside down and backwards. I talked to anyone who would sit still for about five years. I did lots of some steps forward and more steps back.

I felt 'better.' I never stopped being in relationships (well, I took a break from romantic ones for a few years, intentionally), I never stopped working, I was barely functional a lot.

I didn't have a flashback until I'd been 'dealing' for 10 years! I've only ever had like two. But I still feel the need to warn people, because that's the deal: one doesn't know when something weird will happen.

Many, many years after I had long been in recovery, I got jury duty. Everything was fine. They said 'look at defendant, does anyone know him, or the legal team.' No. Fine. Then they read the charges. He was charged with lewd and lascivious acts in a public restroom in a local park. AFTER they read that, I realized he looked just like the family 'friend' who had raped me when I was 12. I wigged out. Completely lost my nut. I told the bailiff that I needed to tell the judge why I could not do this, and I'd prefer to do it privately. So after lunch, they called me (and I think there were one or two others that needed private as well) in. 'Private' was still in front of all the legal teams and the defendant. I had to sit in the witness chair and explain my deal. That was really challenging. The judge was totally compassionate and sent me packing. But the worst about it was the surprise. I had really believed I was 'over it' and beyond it.

I have since done more work and I suspect that same situation would not get the same reaction from me now. However, the point is, you don't know.

My massage therapist told me something wonderful, that I still ponder. If you have a piece of wood, say that you're making a beautiful piece of furniture. and every day, for years, every day, someone spends time warping the grain in the wrong direction, it will grow warped. No matter how much sanding and varnish or bondo you add, the wood is warped. You can still make a functional piece of furniture, but every time you put a glass on *that* spot, it will fall over. So you find another spot. [he just actually said about the warping, I made up all the rest]

I promise, you will have a day when you realize you are living, and mostly functional, and your 'work' will be a hobby or a place you go for band-aids.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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