As someone very close to many people on the spectrum I would say that accomadating is a two way street.
NT's need to try a heck of a lot harder to accomodate people on the spectrum. This means understand and accept what their doing/feeling/thinking and not put them down for it.
However, I think the OP has a point in the fact that his wife was not willing to do the same for him, it can be a big stuggle for an Aspie to understand someone elses feelings and views but in a marriage or close relationship it is necesary to try and people on the spectrum are not incapable of this (at least to the stage of accepting what they are doing hurts someone). Nor is it going against who they are to do so.
My brother is on the spectrum, when we were young he would yell at me when I cried because he couldn't understand it and it sent him into sensory overload. He has since learnt that that does not help and in facts hurts me. He now no longer does this.
I have many friends on the spectrum also, and when I clearly state that something upsets me, they usually stop doing it or are apologetic and, although they don't entirely understand, they care about me, know I would do the same for them, and try their best not to cause me pain.
So when it comes to OP's wife, maybe he didn't go all the way with understanding and accepting her, but from the sounds of it, she wasn't willing to try to stop doing the one thing that caused a large amount of pain to her partner.
Therefore I would say it was a very incompatible relationship.
OP: I'm glad that you have moved on from the cause of the hurt and I hope that you're new relationships go well but, like people have said, take it slow, communicate - make sure everyone clearly knows what's going on.