Thread: Help the n00b?
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Old 11-22-2012, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by hylierandom View Post
...I did not mean that as any slight against Asperger's people in general... But one of the noted tendencies of people with Asperger's is to accentuate flaws in things...
So she was just a veritable fountain of everything I did wrong.

To her this was being helpful...

She was unable to hear the feedback that I gave her for years that she was hurting me...She simply assumed I must want to redo anything I had gotten imperfect.
She doesn't get the idea that someone with health problems and chronic fatigue doesn't need everything to be a shining paradigm of excellence.
Sooo... you expected her to conform to your differences (health problems and chronic fatigue) but you were not willing to conform to her differences. You chose to feel hurt and take it as personal criticism. An alternative would be accepting it as part of her Asperger's and just explaining, for example, "I understand that you would like me to do this a certain way, but I'm satisfied with how it is. You can re-do it if you'd like, but I'm not going to."

...I still think she is a well-intentioned and brilliant person...But I think that people who have Asperger's...have to learn to do scientifically what the neurotypical do automatically, to paraphrase an Aspie who wrote a book to help do just that...
No, they don't. That attitude is ableist. Some may choose to adapt, but they don't "have" to do anything unless they want to. They're not on this planet to please you.

You wouldn't expect a blind person to learn to see, a deaf person to learn to hear, or a person who uses a wheelchair to learn to walk. That's no different from expecting a person with Asperger's to learn to act neurotypically.

NT's need to learn and accept that people with Asperger's are different. A cat cannot learn to be a dog. A cat is not a dog, but a cat is a great pet. It's the human's responsibility to understand how cats behave, and to expect them to act like cats, not dogs. And some people want dogs, not cats, so they should have dogs, not cats. If you can't handle the challenges of being with someone with Aspgerger's, then move on and accept that as your limitation, not hers.

For example, I no longer date people with severe depression. I have in the past, it was very challenging for me, and I made a conscious choice that I'm just not cut out for it. I accept that as a limitation in my emotional capacity. I don't go around expecting depressed people to just get happy for my benefit.

The fact that someone felt compelled to write a book to teach other people with Asperger's to act in a way that is contrary to their nature is nothing short of heart-breaking. It fuels people like you to refuse to accept the differences as gifts rather than faults. Sure, if someone chooses to make those changes, that's their prerogative. But it doesn't validate your discrimination against the rest of the group.

Am I saying that every moment with my step-son is a walk in the park? Heeellll no. Every day is a challenge. But his differences are what make him special and unique. Without them, he wouldn't be the wonderful child that he is.

She was angered at the suggestion she ought to get therapy for Asperger's and went off on this long rant about how there was nothing wrong with her, and maybe everyone else should conform to the way she is.
...Which...there IS nothing wrong with her, I agree.
Frankly, I think you're full of shit. If you thought there was nothing "wrong" with her then why would you want her to change? Your attitude is discriminatory. Don't sit there and pretend that you're just being rational. People do that to folks with all kinds of disabilities, and it's nothing short of bigotry.

She was right to be angry: you were discriminating against her. Hey, it's a free world... you're allowed to be as close-minded, discriminatory, and stubborn as you want. And I'm allowed to judge you for that.
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