Please- need advice
I've been in a poly situation for about 3 years now. It's had it's up and downs, but lately it's been extremely difficult for all three of us and I am at the point of admitting I am in over my head and need help. I've called about counseling for myself as well as I think I'm pretty depressed over things and having difficulty dealing with the situation or making a good decision.
Here's the situation. I've been married for 12 years. We have a son. I live with my husband and our son.
I've had a boyfriend for 3 years. He lives 7 hours away. The relationship has been mostly online, phone, text, videochat, but we've also been lucky enough to get to spend a week together a few times a year for the past couple of years. We're also in a D/s relationship with each other, he and I.
My boyfriend had a girlfriend when we got together 3 years ago. She and I got along great. They broke up about a year later and he hasn't dated anyone since then. After they broke up he and I got much closer, and our relationship got quite a bit more intense.
During the last couple of years, my husband dated 4 other women, and I encouraged it. My relationship with my husband had stagnated before my boyfriend ever came along, and there were other issues in our relationship that ended up pushing me away from him and closer to my boyfriend. My marriage had cooled to the 'roommate stage' but then conflict and hostilities escalated, despite him saying he was ok with the poly idea, and we ended up spending a year on the verge of divorce, avoiding each other and living completely separate lives while still living together (keeping all this carefully hidden from our son or families.)
Meanwhile, I had run into a roadblock with my boyfriend- I had decided I wanted to be with him instead of my husband and wanted to try to find a way for us to be together, or move closer to date more regularly and see if we'd work as a couple, not just long distance. He didn't want to. He wasn't comfortable with kids, and didn't want to settle down, and didn't want me to leave my husband. So we settled back into the triad, with me trying to accept this, and just be satisfied with what I could have of him.
There was an issue with jealousy over my boyfriend as well, as whenever his ex almost came back into his life briefly, I had such a hard time I tried to break up with him but he talked me out of it. Then again when an old friend of his, and a submissive that he admitted he might like to play sexually with was supposed to move in with him temporarily when she lost her job and was looking to move to another city, I was in agony. It didn't happen and I was ashamed of how relieved I was. I knew I was being unreasonable but I couldn't seem to control that feeling of insecurity and being scared of losing him.
And now, that same friend is back in my boyfriend's life and they are definitely starting something up, D/s and sexually, and though I know and like her, and she likes me, and he's doing his best to keep me informed and reassure me, I panicked, didn't think I could deal with it, thought it was the end of our relationship, despite his assertions to the contrary.
Meanwhile, after spending a year on the edge of a divorce, my husband and I backed down from it and tentatively tried to make another go of it. He was fine with sharing me with my boyfriend, and wanted to try to fix things. I was reserved and not so sure, and still hung up on the fact that I'd rather be with my boyfriend than him.
I tried to break things off with both of them, again- thinking that maybe I just wasn't really able to do poly, and that I knew my hang up with wanting to be with my boyfriend and not my husband was a reoccurring problem I couldn't seem to get past, along with the jealousy and insecurity where my boyfriend was concerned. But I was miserable, and they were both upset as well, and I didn't even make it a day before I was asking them both if we could please try to fix things and try again. They both wanted to. They were both happy with how things were, sharing me, with my boyfriend long distance. I was the one that wasn't happy, it seems, but the fear and pain of being alone seem far worse.
This was a couple of days ago. They're both happy to be back in status quo, hoping things will be stable again and we'll go on like we were before. But I'm still not happy, and afraid it will only happen again. But I don't think I have the courage and strength to leave, to be alone. I'm trying to tell myself to just try again. Try to let things settle, as the chaos and heartache has been stressful and damaging to all of us. I know they both love me. I know I love my boyfriend, but he doesn't want us to be together full time. I am not sure how I feel about my husband, if I even want things to work with him or not but I feel like the other options just involve misery.
I know this is a mess...and a lot of it my fault. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.