It's been quite the rollercoaster lately.
Last Saturday afternoon, Gia and I went to an art class together. This was something she had suggested we do a while back, as a date. I brought it back up via email, very specifically in the context of this being our November date, and we agreed on the day. We had a pleasant time and got some food together, which we then took back to her house and ate in the backyard with Bee. Eric had been watching him while we were out, but he's working on a big writing project, so once we got back Gia wanted to give him more time for that.
I enjoyed the day, but I was left feeling like we hadn't had nearly enough time for us. We were out for close to three hours, and, to be fair, that's all the time that she and Eric get on one of their weekday evening dates. To be honest, though, what I really wanted -- what I was craving and feeling deeply deprived of -- was intimate time. Not sex necessarily, although of course that'd be great, but private time, in a bedroom, close, just the two of us. There were no set plans for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I'd said that I could help with Bee for a bit, and Gia had promised that, later that night, she'd do some makeup on me for a costume party I was going to. So, it made sense for me to stick around, but the time was left mostly undefined.
In that context, I think I sort of deluded myself into believing that, because there were a few unscheduled hours left in the day, we would carve out some sort of intimate time together if possible. We hadn't talked about it, I had no reason to believe that our "date" hadn't ended once we got home, but nonetheless I was really thinking this would happen. I guess I just needed it so much that I chose to believe it. I really don't know why I didn't talk to her about it earlier... it's just hard, to always be the one to initiate, y'know? Even when I know that my partner is so much more scattered and busy and stretched-thin than I am. Mostly I get that, and I adjust accordingly, but... not always I guess.
Anyways, we all hung out for a bit and then Bee started to fuss. Gia nursed him and put him down for a nap in their room. Then she turned to me and said it'd be a good time to start on my makeup. She walked into their bathroom to grab her supplies. I followed after her, and said "But, um, if you put on my makeup now, we definitely won't be able to, like, make out later or anything in case there's the chance for that..." She looked confused, and said "The baby's in the room, it's not like we could do anything anyway." "I know," I said, "but what about when he wakes up, Eric could watch him for just a little while?" She looked unsure and sort of brushed me off. I forget exactly what she said, something along the lines of there just not being time. She brought her supplies over to the couch. I followed after her. Eric was sitting at his computer desk, writing.
We sat down, facing each other, and I said, in a hurried whisper, "So, we've decided that this is what we're doing, that we don't want to try...?" She looked conflicted and a little upset, and she said "Ok, we don't have to do this now." She set her stuff aside. At that moment, Eric suggested that he start up an episode of a show we've been watching together. We agreed, and I sat through it, tense, not really enjoying it.
As soon as the show ended, I asked Gia if she'd come outside with me. We sat on the grass on their front lawn and I said "I just wanted to check, it *IS* ok, in theory at least, if we ask Eric to watch Bee for a little while so we can sneak off to your room, if the baby wakes up, right?" She admitted that no, actually, it wouldn't be, she didn't feel comfortable asking him to hang out in the living room with the baby while we had sex. I was flabbergasted.
"But, I just did that for you guys last week when I was babysitting, why wouldn't it be ok?" They didn't have sex then, she said, they'd barely had sex at all in recent weeks, they'd been fighting and had just needed a brief spot of quiet time together, and, besides, she wouldn't have wanted to do that without asking me first. "Um, if you say you're going to go cuddle, and then you disappear for half an hour, what am I supposed to think is happening?? If you didn't have sex just to spare my feelings, then you might as well next time." She looked embarrassed and upset. I felt like such a jackass for not just letting the whole thing go, but I was hurting so badly.
She went on to explain that she didn't like changing plans at the last minute, that she didn't feel very comfortable having sex when other people are in the house to begin with, that she may, in fact, have done it once before when I was there but that it wasn't her preference, and that she didn't feel like she could ask it of Eric now, with no warning, with no expectation on his part that he was still supposed to babysitting. That if we had planned this better in advance, we could have gone to my house instead, where she had no responsibilities and so much less pressure on her.
I told her that all of that made sense, that I took equal responsibility for not talking about things more beforehand, and that I accepted that this wasn't going to happen today, but that in a more general sense it was really, really, really hard for me to accept a complete lack of even the *opportunity* for intimate time together during the once-every-other-month date that we set aside just for our relationship-- one of the SIX TIMES A YEAR that we've committed to doing this -- especially considering that I've been doing everything I can to give her and Eric more space for them to have that. I got a little upset, apologized. Then I said "I mean, considering that Eric knew that this was meant to be our date, would he really mind if--" She cut me off and said that she'd never explicitly told him that this was our date, just that we were going to a class, and could he watch the baby until we came back. "Oh." I said. "I -- huh. Ok." I felt completely crestfallen and confused, doubting my importance to her, doubting her investment in our relationship. It was all emotion on my end, no logic, I was more worked up than I normally ever like to let myself get during relationship discussions. Normally I like to work out how I'm feeling and explain it rationally.
Gia apologized, looking stricken and sincere. She told me that she hadn't been sensitive enough to my situation, hadn't thought enough of my needs, and that she wished she'd had more time to plan, to think about the day together. That she hadn't been thinking of it as a "full date" (whatever that means), that that was a mistake on her part. She said that she couldn't understand what I get out of this relationship. We talked, I reassured her of everything that our relationship adds to my life, how much value I find in it.
The conversation spiraled out into related topics. She talked about how impossible it is to live the sort of life she wants to lead these days. She said that she knew that being a mother would change her life greatly, but that she still hadn't been prepared. She said that she loved Bee very much, but that she regretted the choice now. I was a little shocked, but I assumed that it was normal for new parents to feel this way sometimes, so I just said soothing things. She also talked about how, since she's been off birth control while breastfeeding, her interest in men has skyrocketed, and it's been incredibly frustrating to not be able to make a physical connection with any of her male friends (she's indicated interest to three so far).
At the end of the conversation, I asked if we could set aside an evening in Decemeber to spend at my place. She said yes. I breathed a huge internal sigh of relief. I knew it'd be hard, continuing to wait, but I just needed SOMEthing to hold on to, some way to reassure myself that she wanted me, that she cared about our physical connection, and this would do for now. We went back inside, she spent an hour doing my makeup (so wonderful, to sit with my legs pressed against hers, to have her hands drawing on my face, her scent wafting over me as she worked... and yet such mixed feelings, because she felt she could make the time for this, but not to lie down with me). It came out AMAZING, she completely transformed me, I loved it.
Later that night, Davis and I went to the costume party together, then I spent the night at his place. I left the makeup on overnight, only washing it off the next morning. In the morning, I surprised him and myself by starting to cry. I told him it was about Gia. He didn't ask for more details, just held me.
Phew. Intense. And that's just part one.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-21-2012 at 06:02 PM.