Working on Communication
I've left off on my blogging recently. That's probably not such a good thing. I'll have to get back to it again, it really does help me keep clear. Even if I spend a lot of time rambling and writing in circles.
Yesterday was an over all good day. The only bad parts are my struggles with insomnia (or work shift sleep disorder which ever works for you).
The weekend however had some serious drama that was very disappointing, frustrating, and made me sad when I was having a good day/evening before the drama began.
Since this is where I often find myself when I'm feeling down, frustrated, or angry within my poly world I'm sure I will come back and write about what happen. On the plus side Airyn and I talked a lot about what happen, about communicating better with each other. This is what I would rather talk about. My suggested working on communication. I explained that often it is his word choice that gets my back up. That the activities we are talking about don't upset me, but the way he chooses to explain his communication with Chipmunk, or express his concerns/views that makes me back away from something that I am actually ok with.
1 - I am ok with Chipmunk and Airyn taking a shower with the understanding that Sex will occur while I am at home (in another room). The sex doesn't bother me, but making a joke saying that Chipmunk and I are demanding in the bedroom, when I have been very selfless recently is tasteless, and not going to make me feel very good about being compared to Chipmunk. She was taking a shower before going to work, on a day that she would also be having uninterrupted intimacy and sex with Airyn after I leave for work that night. Where as my physical need for intimacy (and sexual release) wasn't taken care of recently.
2a - I talked with Airyn several weeks ago about the possibility of getting a hotel room for a night. Specifically for his birthday. Originally I was suggesting that he and I get a room for the night. Before finishing the conversation I suggested that maybe I should put Christina up in the hotel room as Airyn doesn't care for Hotel sex, and We'd probably prefer to have our space for ourselves for an evening. Airyns response basically was a big NO. Saying that it would be unfair to Chipmunk for us to get a room and cut her out of his birthday like that. I explained that I was not intending to cut her out of his birthday, and that it was unlikely that I'd get a room for the NIGHT of his birthday, and more likely to be the weekend before or after. He was still disgruntled about the idea. It seemed to me that he would eventually come around to it being a possibility, but was uncomfortable with the idea that Chipmunk would have to find alternate transportation to/from work if she was scheduled while we are in a room.
2b - Two weeks later I'm on vacation, and Chipmunk is very unhappy with the lack of time for intimacy, and cuddling with Airyn. Airyn shares my hotel Idea (keep in mind he has not yet told me that he considers it a possibility). At first Chipmunk is adamantly against it. Saying that it will never happen, can't happen ect. Then a few days later she comes back to Airyn and is asking where he'd want to stay, and is generally more open to the idea. After a bit of looking at the local options she is seeing it as a real possibility. Airyn is telling me this secondhand so i don't hear exactly what was said. But he relates to me that while they are talking about it. He tells her that he and I have talked about it, and that if they are going to "get a room" that he will "HAVE TO OFFER THAT TO ME as well". He also explains that because Chipmunk has less bills (money going out) that the two of them will be able to do this before he and I will.
2b - DO WHAT? Airyn is going to OFFER me a night alone with him? Whose Idea was this? Why should I agree to let the two of them go off for a hotel night alone if I'm not going to be able to do the same? (my initial reaction is very negative, upset, hurt) But I calmly nod and say yes we've talked about this, and yes I expected he would want to do the same with Chipmunk. I also tell him that I had been thinking he and I could get a room in a little city a few hours drive from his mom's and stay there before picking Wolf up (or Dropping her off) for a week during her Winter (after Christmas) vacation. Again I get a very negative response. He tells me it is highly unfair to be out of town for 3 or 4 days and leave Chipmunk with no way to go. I tell him I was talking about staying a single night and being gone for most of 2 days with a portion of that being driving time. That it is not my problem if Chipmunk still does not have a car (since she isn't saving towards getting a car). She is an adult and is capable of using the transportation available to any other adult without a vehicle. As in walking, or using the busing system. We live within walking distance of her job. She can also ask for a ride to/from work from a co-worker. All of these are option I have had to use myself. By the next day when I had time to consider and process this conversation I am really pissed about how Airyn told Chipmunk that he'd have to offer me the same thing. And not happy with the suggestion that they will be able to get a room before he and I will, and following this to a larger conclusion I realize that he is also telling me that they will be able to do this more often than I will be able to afford.
Then things get full of drama this weekend (Nov 16th) and I tell him that after that conversation and the way he worded things with Chipmunk I no longer have any interest in offering this opportunity. Not because the sex, and/or intimacy is a problem, but because he'll be offering me something that should be available to me to begin with. That his word choice leaves me feeling as if I am not very important to him. He then attempts to tell me that what he actually said to Chipmunk is different. I tell him, but what you told me is this and this is what I have to work with. Changing how you explain yourself and your conversation with Chipmunk after I am upset with the wording and how that made me feel is too late. I can't see any new word choice used to express what was said as being anything but what I was told to begin with. I was using this as an example to Airyn of his issues with communication. I point out that I'm not the best either, but that I am making changes, I'm still working on it. That these types of communication from him just keep coming.
If his initial expression, "I will have to offer Numina the same thing" is true, then I have NO incentive to offer him and Chipmunk more time and space, and every incentive to get Airyn to work more on US.
One of the things I have started doing is to tell Airyn "I liked hearing that" when he says something that makes me feel good. So that there is less confusion on my verbal communication needs/wants/likes. Often I can not tell him right away what he has said that I do not like. Mostly because I am much more emotional these days, and I don't like getting upset. I would rather wait and become more calm before bringing it up. Something I do to help with calming myself is to write. Either in this blog, or in an email addressed to Airyn that I don't intend to send.
Another thing Reading these forums has helped in many ways. Even when the circumstances, or the reasoning behind advice doesn't fit. I have found many pieces of advice to be re-workable for my own life situation, and have begun putting somethings into practice. I was reading a thread about a disconnect between emotions and sex, and read a lot of advice that while I don't have this disconnect, and neither does Airyn. I can use to help repair the damage to my self confidence, and self esteem. These are things that HAVE to be fixed within ME and can not be fixed by Airyn. He and I have talked about it here and there. So he knows I'm still struggling, and that I would like him to keep in mind that these are still issue when we are all together. Because he can reduce my uncomfortableness, and can offer intimacy that allows me to feel wanted/needed/loved by him while Chipmunk is in the room. This way I feel less like our affection has to be hidden, and that therefore something is not right about it. So what am I doing? I have begun reaching out (Despite the fact that my lack of self confidence make it difficult) to offer Airyn small intimacies when WE are not alone. Like holding his Hand, or kissing his neck for a second. Small short piece. Making these little things something I aim to offer when they are really outside my current comfort zone should help repair my comfort zone so that these are more habit, and fun, then stressful, and scary. Less something for me to miss, and more something for me to look forward to.
I still have a lot of work to do for me. And I am starting to get Airyn to see that he has some work to do as well. That not responding is a lack of communication, where poor word choice is ineffective communication. We've agreed that when I'm venting and angry, but the issues I'm venting about are obviously important. Instead of Airyn just listening and not saying anything he should at least say that perhaps I have a point. That he needs time to consider it, and think about how he feels/ how it effects him/ how it might effect Chipmunk, and that he will talk with me about it in a couple days when I'm less upset and more calm. I also explained that this means he does have to come back to me and be willing to talk about the issues, that he can't say that and then just conveniently forget about it. I also asked him to think more about what he is saying and how it could come across as a negative to me in my more emotional situation. I told him I don't expect him to be perfect, but that it would be nice to see him obviously working to make this easier, for US.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married