Thread: Help the n00b?
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Old 11-20-2012, 06:37 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by hylierandom View Post
...I DO remember saying I didn't want seriousness...
...I seem to be getting seriousness anyway.
Yeah, I've been there... I had to cut loose to save myself.

Look, she's hurting and she's in need... but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to save her. Nor can you. She needs to save herself.

So I need to know how to communicate respect to her in a way that she can receive.
If this is not a skill you already possess, then learning how to do that with her as a test subject is not going to accomplish that goal. Seriously, she needs a therapist.

So I ask her what she needs to feel respected.
If the answer's sexual exclusivity, then she and I are going to have to be friends, because I can't give her that.
What she needs to feel respected is self-respect. Again, she needs a therapist.

Do I respect her?
I have to think about it...I know I ought to feel respect for her.
Ouch. If you have to think about it, the answer is "no."

From what you've shared about your own past and resulting personality, you just aren't "there" emotionally & mentally to be what this girl needs. I don't mean that as a dig against you. You've got your own issues to deal with right now; you can't do that and fix her too. You need to focus on healing yourself.

I find it kind of nervewracking that she's attaching to me so rapidly.
It's frightening.
Flattering too though...
Fear is our primary signal that something is wrong. You say that being with her feels like it did when you were with an abusive partner. Listen to the cues your body is sending you.

Your demeanour overall shows a lack of experience with healthy relationships. The way to start forming healthy relationships is to form relationships with healthy people. If you are not healthy, start there. Find a therapist who specializes in abuse. Stay single for a while and deal with your past. The alternative is a lifetime of repeating this pattern.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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