Thread: Help the n00b?
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:16 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default whoa, maybe you need to slow down,

Don't set yourself up for failure, your story is not uncommon (feeling burnt by all relationships ) and maybe a counselor could help you sort it out. Just remember that not everybody is good at what they do for a living, it's especially true for mechanics, doctors, and therapists.

But if you slow down and take some time to figure out how everything happened, you'll be able to more clearly see how much was avoidable and what behaviors, habits, vices, virtues of yours may be setting you up for outcomes or patterns that you don't recognize at this moment. It's hard to see clearly when emotional trauma occurs or you feel betrayed by someone you used to trust.

Take this all with a grain of salt, because what I am saying isn't specific to you and your situation, but I think it happens a whole hell of a lot. I know it's impossible to have "boxes" that fit each of us as individuals and it's wrong to pigeon-hole people, but just for some generalizations, it may help you to "label" relationships by listing as many details as you can describe them with. Because the type of non-monogamy you described at first

"Which is a few good friends to have sex with...not seriousness, not monogamy."

doesn't really sound anything like the hard boundary of ensuring you are free to see others, that ideally you would like to be all be friends and lovers.

That could be seen as sending this new woman mixed signals, that can confuse the hell out of people and confused people always have problems with whatever they are confused about. There is nothing wrong with that, but it tends to fit the style of casual a lot more than it does intimate. Sometimes what feels like a lover trying to control you has more to do with being left out of the loop. Peoples reactions when they are informed after the fact do not always reflect how they feel about what happened because some of the reaction to due to not knowing what was happening.

Some people cannot do casual with people they "love" in the picture. And because sex and lust is strong a strong temporary desire, that happens to be so often it feels permanent, and a lot of people screw up relationships they considered to be "love" because they were too afraid to be honest about all their crazy kinky thoughts which may or may not need to be acted out. On the other side, many people sabotage what would have been relationships more like love and less like casual because their are afraid to mention their cheesy kinky sentimental thoughts which may or may not need to be acted out.

And now I don't even know where I am going with this so I better stop, but to be fair with this woman, you should probably figure out what kind of non-monogamy you are after. Because the intimate, good friends who are lovers need to be able to respect themselves. That requires that you treat them as you would a close friend, with respect.

It's not wrong at all to want total freedom and no attachments to anything, especially if you are ending a significant relationship that was full of attachments and commitments that ended up with all the hurt, abandonment, loss, pain, etc... and all the things that negative which were likely the very things your commitment was supposed to protect you from.

It's fucking hard to be responsible when you feel like there is no point because it will just end up costing you more in the long run. But in the long run, you will always end up much better off if at the very least you behave responsible with people's hearts, and that definitely includes your own.

and just remember, you can't trust others unless you are trustworthy yourself. It may seem like it's not true, but fate seems to enforce those kinds of rules.

if the woman is really into you, and you know you can't have the relationship she wants or needs, be clear and do the responsible thing. If you go to them for support when you are feeling lonely and need a friend, that woman will likely not be able to refuse you, and she will play the part of a good friend. If she is playing that part without being manipulative or having ulterior motives, remember that those people are worth more than all the money in the world. The responsible thing to do is treat her like a good friend. You'd be wise to treat yourself the same way, and then you will be able to recognize the people who are treating you like a good friend. It's important to be able to distinguish those people from the ones who are not.

I am sorry things seem so hectic for you, hopefully things will look up. Just know that a lot of people are in nearly identical situations, but we are taught to never reveal the negatives about our lives, and I think it makes for a society of many isolated people feeling alone, who are all going through the exact same things, they don't know it because it's not the way we claim it is to others.

I am a believer that people are not the mistakes and wrongs they made in life, they are the person after the fact, it's what they do after that determines who they are

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-20-2012 at 04:32 AM.
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