Thank you for clarifying and giving more details.
I can't back out without hurting her-she seems terrifically frightened of ANY sign of abandonment...has thought I was going to dump her and freaked.
I leave I hurt her.
I carry on, I hurt her.
I respond to what will make her feel best-and I resent her for "forcing" me to do something through emotional blackmail.
All options here appear to be full of suckage.
Then this is a life choice of "Which one stinks the least?" Not all live choices come as clear "win or lose" type options.
If choice A stinks and choice B stinks? Go with the least stinky choice and least amount of suckage. Everyone is responsible for their own self. Their own behavior and their own emotional management.
Which again -- is pointing to YOU breaking up with her so you can be free of misery. So she too is freed and can be free to find the monogamous thing she wants that you cannot provide.
Yes! Breaking up sucks too. But you will heal in time. She will heal in time. It is short term suckage with an end point
so things can get better in the long term.
What is the unwillingness to break up with her? Fear of feeling yucky? If you do not like to feel yucky, why sign up for the option that is endless suckage? You already feel yucky. Because you are not happy in monogamy and cannot provide this, you won't be happy witness her continuing pain, you won't be happy to have her break up with you. That's 3 counts of suckage right there. Should you find someone to date, now they have to deal in this baggage too OR you get dumped by them once they realize the situation here. 3 people dealing in various intensities from 4 counts of suckage.
Verses you breaking up with her. One count of suckage, 2 people. <--- choice that stinks the least. Less suckage, less people hurting.
I'm not trying to push you or anything but I just don't understand the need to stay with someone who is clearly not a fit.
Square peg, round hole. It is just not her scene.
I suppose you have decided then to give it a try. But run your plan by your therapist for reasonableness/rationale and if this plan will be healthy for your long term health or not. If it is healthy for the realtionship dynamic. They know you and your situation better; I'm just some internet stranger.
So I'll let it go. I'm not feeling the odds are good here, but I truly hope I am wrong and you are indeed able to find some happiness together somehow.