Thread: Help the n00b?
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Old 11-20-2012, 02:34 AM
hylierandom's Avatar
hylierandom hylierandom is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the trailer park.
Posts: 12
Unhappy

My lady and I are just getting off the ground...I met her online.

Before I met her I said that I was not willing to be monogamous, that I would see others, that I was willing to just be her friend if she was not okay with this.

...She said she was willing to go forward under those terms...and now?
She's attached like an errant fish hook. In a MONTH!
When she got upset I started to feel the same bear-trap sensation I felt with my ex.

I can't back out without hurting her-she seems terrifically frightened of ANY sign of abandonment...has thought I was going to dump her and freaked.
I leave I hurt her.
I carry on, I hurt her.
I respond to what will make her feel best-and I resent her for "forcing" me to do something through emotional blackmail.
All options here appear to be full of suckage.

I asked a friend what to do.
Hers was the argument that swayed me.
When I was abused as a child I had a hard boundary violated...so many times I no longer think I have the right to have any boundaries at all.
But I do.
I have this boundary now, this precondition, fully stated at the beginning: no monogamy.
She(my lover) said that she could live with this.
...She has given me ONE indication that she does not like this hard boundary, that she wants total monogamous commitment.
That she wants this does not obligate me to let my boundaries get violated. I hurt both of us if I walk...and terrify the crap out of her, as her last family member in the area is moving out...so...
I'm afraid I'm going to ignore what's probably the best advice-to get out now, as I initially thought.
I am going to see if I can make her feel secure, loved, and as worthwhile as she is, while sticking to my guns.

Y'all can feel free to tell me what an idiot I was later.

...Funny, I can't imagine a relationship in which I am not devastated sooner or later. I have not had any important relationship that didn't tear me to shreds at some point.
None.
Not family, not friends, not lovers, certainly not my ex-wife, I loved her beyond reason...once.

...Maybe my therapist can tell me how to fix that, I doubt it though. I think I just have to pick who gets to devastate me carefully, so I get the maximum benefit around the hurt.

Last edited by hylierandom; 11-20-2012 at 02:42 AM.
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