If being in polyamorous configurations is a hard limit for you, that is fine. You are YOU. You can have what you want for YOU.
...She flipped out when I asked her if she wanted to know about the others, you see.
WHEN did you become a polyship? Was it with both agreeing to it? And when did these other partners arrive on the scene? Did you have others without her KNOWING you were wanting an open relationship?
If you are in poly relationship with her already, why would she wig out that there are others now? Knowing and being jealous is one thing. Not knowing it was happening and flipping out when coming to find out -- that's another. What's going on here? Could you please clarify how this all went down?
My ideal is that my others can also care about each other, so that they are friends and/or lovers as well.
You cannot dictate what she and your others want to be to each other. You can hope. But actually? That is THEIR relationship tier to develop. Not yours. They may not wish to be friends, much less lovers.
I'm going to take her at her word...That sounds callous. It IS callous. It's looking like either that or walk away from her as a lover...
So I guess my goal is to build up HER self-esteem until she either (a) feels secure with my poly-ness, or (b) feels special enough to tell me to get lost because she can't take my poly-ness.
Take her at her ACTIONS. You can clearly see her hesitation and hurt in continuing it.
I'm not hearing "let's stop and come to a compromise or come to a parting" here.
I'm hearing -- "learn to deal with it or just break up with me. I'm doing what I want. "
She is not happy in it. You are not happy in it
. If there is anything but an enthusiastic "YES! I WANT TO POLY!" the kinder thing is pause and see if you can come to compromise. And if not? Come to parting. Set her free and break up with her even if she doesn't have the words to break up with you. Short term unhappy for both so both can try to be happy later.
In continuing your partner's suffering rather than ending it for her? That is indeed callous. Not flattering to you. I would suggest you reconsider how you are treating her. I am hoping it is your writing style and not your actual
treatment of her. Because that reads really rough, dude.