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Old 11-19-2012, 07:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Ahhh but you see, his answer is "yes, I love doing this with you".
And then you smile and say "Wonderful! When should we plan our date to create the scene? No pressure, I just want to note it on the calendar. You want to negotiate it next month? 2-3 mos from now? "

And then his answer is....?

Quote:
I think crisis of confidence because of our interactions getting quite negative is the most likely cause).
Confidence is grown by doing.

So basically he is not willing to try because of the unnamed THING. And he's also not willing to look too deeply into the thing to identify what that thing IS.

And since you cannot force him you have to decide if you are happy with

1) Vanilla sex with him AND no responsiveness, and not giving of clear communication. (where you are at now)


2) Vanilla sex, with plenty responsiveness in communication (would you be ok there?)

3) No sex at all, plenty of responsiveness in communication (would you be ok there?)

4) No sex at all, no responsiveness (would you be ok there?)

5) something else?

To me? I'd be alright adjusting to changing sex ability with age. I won't be doing bondage with DH if no longer fit to edge play safely because of age issues! Non-kink sex is great with DH -- we don't have to always kink it up.

But I am not ok being in relationship with DH if he just stops communicating and relating with me. I want to know him, and I want to know his wants, needs and limits. I want to tend the relationship together.

Quote:
He has adult ADHD...
Alright, so you have a patient person with the ADHD thing and have to take that into some accord. But is he putting forth suggestions for what he IS willing to do to help create emotional intimacy besides movies and computer games? Have you asked him what other things he might be willing to do with you that don't hurt his head that are not bondage? Is he willing to be responsive to that question?
Quote:
I doubt it, he still gets hard very easily and we always do something together, and he has a very high sex drive still. It's just... the ability to play together I guess, it feels like it's dying and I don't know what to do.
You could treat the two problems separately.

1) The problem of communication: giving clear communication, responsiveness, constructive feedback.

2) The problem of no kink play -- like bondage. Then could choose take the bondage off the table. Like he's suggested.

"Alright, this is causing fuss. Let's just take the kink off the table for 6 months. We just enjoy each other in sex however it comes without pressure for it to be kink sex. Then we revisit the topic on ____ date in 6 mos to see if how we feel about bondage staying off the table or coming back again. Would you be willing to do that?"

Then you negotiate for what you need more of at the same time.

"If I am willing to do that and you are willing to do that, let's take it off the table.

New thing -- since now that is off the table -- are you willing to put some extra time in creating special date times with me in other ways? I miss you, I want to be with you, I crave closeness. So if we don't want to have in via bondage right now, what are you ideas for having special date times? And are you willing to talk to me about THAT then? Having special dates with me?"

And see what response you get there.

Find out where is IS willing to work with you. And if he's not willing to work with you at all anywhere, find out if you are willing to stay in relationship with him like that or not. If not, end relationship.

You can give it a good try. But not an endless good try. It takes two participating people to have a relationship in. If one person is not participating, it is a one sided relationship. That's not a healthy dynamic when he is capable of relationships with others. It's neglect of you.

It's not like his illness is at extreme level like family being ok with a one-sided relationship with grandma who now has Alzheimer or something.

Galahad
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