Originally Posted by WarumonoD
a little background first: im new to poly ive been mono up untill about 6 months ago, ive acculy known her longer we went to the same bar on swingers night, i wasent a swinger eather i just had friends who were, but now 6 months ago i became the third part of a triad now my lover and her husband have been swingers for a few years, so my first question i guess would be is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono
my next question i guess would have to be where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with.
Third question need some more background, where all liveing togeather 3 in a bed (it works) she likes haveing us togeather, im very hetro and so is he so theres no issues there and i dont have a problem with...one after the other but there will be times when he's is the mood and i wont be thats not an issue there but one of his biggest turnons is seeing someone with her, so my question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her? sense hell never not be in the mood if i am?
i know some of thease questions i should ask them and i plan on it but i guess im just trying to see what other people think befor i approch them i have a hard time asking questions when hes around because i dont want to look stupid or like im trying to overstep my place in the relationship and have him kick me out sense he is her husband.
Lots of valid questions here and I suspect you'll get some varied feedback from some knowledgeable folks here.
I'll give my 2 cents worth on a few things...
"would be is it possable to be in a long term poly relationship if i myself am mono"
Anything is possible and we have folks here in that situation. But it's going to require you to change some of your thinking.
"next question i guess would have to be where my place is being the third and how much i can and cant request of my partner? IE: Asking her to not Sleep with someone who i would rather not have her sleeping with."
This may be where you are going to have to put in maybe some of the most serious learning about poly beliefs. When you mention asking her not to do something you're speaking from a "control" position. Your first task her will be to see if you can adopt a belief that no person should have "control" over any other. So, for example, if you were to ask her to not sleep with someone else, you would have to have some valid reason to make that request regarding concerns for HER - and NOT YOU ! i.e her safety etc.
"question is would it be selfish of me to ask that sometimes it be just me and her?"
I don't think it's "selfish" per se, but I think it's going to be delicate and needs to be approached slowly & with compassion for everyones feelings. It's something they will need to talk about in depth and they will need to feel sure that your intentions are pure and that it's not an effort to try to drive a wedge between them. Not knowing her husband it's impossible to project any insecurities he may have that he'll have to face but given his comfort level with watching her with someone else I'd suspect that over time he'd be quite comfortable with not being present. PROVIDING he trusts you
So to me, whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, you will not technically living a "mono" lifestyle - except in your own mind.
I have a friend here who be able to elaborate on that - maybe even challenge the statement - but I stick to it