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Old 11-19-2012, 07:50 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651
Default Taking into account that we shouldn't open Pandora's box

A friend of mine has been in quite a predicament and the last two weeks were filled with his confusion about the road to take and my advice and take on his situation. To sum things up, he met a young woman, fell in love, was involved with her and her boyfriend for some time before feelings came up and finally ended up sleeping with her during a visit he paid them when her boyfriend went to work. Even though he knew how troublesome and shitty this move has been, he couldn't stop himself and came to me to hear about my opinion. (Well aware that this wasn't going to be a nice conversation like the one he had with his male friends “Way to go, dude!”, something along those lines.) I gave him my piece of mind and we moved on to discuss the possibilities that may come out of this mess.

While going through the options (he wasn't in for poly at all, maybe swinging with another couple, but feelings were too complicated from his point of view) he stated that he had always found it kind of strange that we (Sward, Lin and I) had never engaged in some kind of threesome activity at all. It was the most natural outcome from his point of view. I thought about this comment for a while.

I personally don't feel the need to explore this. I love being alone with my partner/lover. I want to concentrate on the other person and not be distracted by something/someone else. The farthest we went in regard to this topic was when we were making out on the couch in the beginning. I felt good and it was exiting to have four hands on my body, but at the same time I felt how uncomfortable Lin was feeling and that spoiled the fun thoroughly. Maybe that is the reason why I didn't think about it any more after this experience. On the other hand, I guess that I would think about it more often if I would really feel the need to go there. (It's a different story with women, I think about being with one regularly. But even in that case I don't particularly long for it, because I don't have a specific one in mind.)

I talked to Lin about it and he gave me quite a striking answer why he never initiated this again and is happy with things as they are right now. Early in our relationship he overheard Sward and me having sex and it was extremely unpleasant for him. It was one of the moments when he thought about his ability to handle a vee relationship at all. He found his solution in not thinking about what Sward and I may have between us intimately, switching off thinking about that part of our relationship completely. (Nothing I could do, btw; therefore, I have no idea how this works. Switching off thinking … like stop breathing for me ) Of course, he knows that we have an intimate relationship, that we have sex as well, but that abstract thought is OK. He doesn't want to fill it with concrete images or impressions, he would surely imprint in his mind as soon as a threesome would happen. He doesn't want to see what Sward and I do, or more precisely what Sward does with me.

Sward was the one expressing an interest in experiencing a threesome directly from the start, but even he didn't come back to this any more after the first attempts that went in this direction. Most importantly he didn't want to force one of us and his curiousness in regard to it declined significantly. He is unsure why, but it's off the table for now. My friend pondered about some resentment building up on Sward's part because of an unfulfilled wish, but Sward denied any negative feelings because of the lack of shared sexual experiences. He said, he in fact just stopped thinking about the possibility, because it seemed so unrealistic in our situation. It just isn't something we are in for in this constellation.

I guess there are some things we instinctively avoid doing to not invade the private space of the others important to us. We have found our middle ground to stand on with which everyone is OK and fine. By now our boundaries and the ones of the others became clearer and clearer and we adjusted to each other's needs and wants mostly. Nearly one and a half year after our starting point I regard us as steady and settled. I noticed that we are missing the freshness and in a sense the newness by now, which were constantly present before; occasionally during the last months even (here and there).
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 11-19-2012 at 07:52 AM.
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