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Old 11-19-2012, 06:22 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Then point it out to other women who have miscarried without previous children.
I have, via this thread, which may be read by other women who have miscarried without previous children. I prefaced it to you because you were the one who brought up the "differences", and you may know people going through something similar.

Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
That grief is different, ( which is not a veiled remark that its somehow 'less'. )
I understand that you feel the grief is "different". I felt, when I made that post, that the phrasing -

... the grief was overwhelming for a very long time. Especially, when we already have children.
- implied that the grief experienced by non-mothers was less overwhelming for a less-lengthy time (it was the use of the word "especially" that conveyed that implication to me). I have been grieving my first miscarriage for 10 years and still find myself overcome by grief when I watch my nieces and nephews reaching milestones that "my baby" should have been reaching - I hate myself for feeling jealous when my sister gets to watch her second child graduate from pre-school when I am denied that experience even ONCE (...okay, for the record, I had to take a break in this post there...I had to go have a good cry...the boys are completely flummoxed as to why I have suddenly broken into silent tears...)

Similarly, with the statement -

When you`ve already experienced motherhood, there is a grief of losing a child, and all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,...
- the qualifier "When you've already experienced mother hood" did seem to imply that those of us who haven't experienced motherhood didn't experience the "grief of losing a child" as though we didn't experience "all the things you wondered about. The hopes, the dreams,..."

Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
The OP has previous children, and I spoke from the actual experience of.
I understand that you were speaking to the OP, that is fine. I was speaking to you and the countless others reading these (public) forums.

In all actuality, I don't know that the grief is different (you'll have to ask someone who has experienced the loss in each scenario). My grief for each of my two miscarriages was different - I was at a different place in my life, my relationships, my approach to potential motherhood, and my expectations (my two miscarriages were 9 YEARS apart - each month of non-pregnancy between the two bearing its own mini-grieving process... I had failed yet again).

I have seen women with no children and multiple who had mixed feelings about their miscarriage. I have seen women, in each case, at either extreme, feel relieved or devastated. I don't know that you can generalize.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 11-19-2012 at 06:33 AM.
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