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Old 11-19-2012, 04:34 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Basically, he is saying now that he was never willing to agree to the arrangement they had but only did it out of fear. So, he is admitting to being dishonest and AC is now being asked to pay the price. The thing I wonder is, was he being dishonest then, in that he said he was on board when he really didn't want to be, or is he being dishonest now, in that he actually was willing then but changed his mind (like "buyer's remorse"), and is using the idea that he never was willing as a way to guilt-trip, blame, and get what he wants from his wife.
I feel like it was more the former. He lied to himself, and to me, about being ok with a two day a month agreement. He now says he was at the time afraid if he didn't give in to some kind of relationship, I would be sick again. However, I distinctly remember a tone of relief in his voice when we worked out the compromise, because it meant an end to C being in/near our house, and visiting at a random frequency. I did check in with him periodically and he assured me it was still working better this way. After the first overnight trip in September, we had a big fight but when we talked it out in counseling the counselor said we should expect a period of adjustment and it wouldn't make sense to throw away the agreement after only trying it once. After the October trip things were better, because we took to heart what we learned in September. But in trying to plan a November trip, I ran up against accusations of disloyalty, and the whole thing fell apart.

Some people have suggested it has been all compromise on my part and no effort on his and that's really not how I see it. He has given me (willingly or not) the freedom to build a relationship outside what he had always expected to be a monogamous marriage. It has been tough for him. I don't think he has handled his difficulty well at all, but he did go through this. Also, he has made some effort to be more loving to me in the way I need it expressed, but only during times when he wasn't overcome with negative feelings about me because of my involvement with C. He has been going to counseling with me. His nature is to avoid confrontation and push everything under the rug, and he really would prefer an uneventful life, so from his perspective I keep setting things on fire. We have each contributed to each other's unhappiness.

I can't even think what happens next. I know that I want to be married while we raise our kids, so my focus right now is on trying to make it a happy marriage. I've told him I am no longer willing to take any blame if he doesn't find enough happiness in his life, and I think he finally heard me; he decided to go out dancing on his own tonight. I am thrilled, although he seemed to expect I would be hurt or inconvenienced or something. I'm enjoying a quiet night at home with the kids, and time to process things.

C has been texting me little hearts and smileys and brief notes all day long. I think he's still my boyfriend, even if we have to keep our clothes on. I can't believe he is still willing to hang on, in spite of the ride. I don't know if I have ever been so thoroughly loved before.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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