stages of acceptance?
Hi. I (a previously and still? mono straight girl, 22) recently (we started sleeping together 2 months ago and agreed I could use 'boyfriend' for him 1.25 months ago) started dating a poly guy who lives with his girlfriend of 5 years (she is also poly). Being ok with the situation has been a journey, but one I'm very glad I've made. In a lot of ways I've never been more sure of a partner's affection for me. Reading your forums and a number of website has been unbelievably helpful in calming my nerves and understanding that this is ok etc. Throughout this process though I've realized there are three sort of 'stages' of acceptance (see below) and of which the third is proving difficult for me, and so I was wondering if I might get some advice.
1) understanding in your mind that your partner has other partners (check)
2) meeting your partner's other partner(s) (check--I met his girlfriend this past week by means of a mutual friend and she's great. truly.)
3) actually seeing your partner interact/touch/etc. with their other partner(s)/having to interact with both of them
This third one is the one that's getting me. Last night was the first time I went to my partner's apartment (for a group event). His girlfriend was present and though not really participating, they certainly interacted a bit (some hugs/snuggling, chatting, etc), while he was way cooler to me than he ever has been (or is when he has been at group events at my apartment) until almost everyone had left and his gf had gone to sleep. At this point he asked if meeting her had really gone well and if his gf could come to my Thanksgiving dinner, to which I felt an obligation to say yes. After returning home, I had a panic attack (I will readily admit I'm stressed about a lot of things at the moment, but the timing is relevant I think...) and am still a bit upset.
So questions: is it ok for me to have a harder time dealing with this last 'stage?' I would be totally fine to become friendly/friends with his gf, but I guess I'd prefer that it be without him...and perhaps this is a problem? Is it selfish to feel sad re: thanksgiving, because much as I like her and think she would be a nice addition, this feels like an added tension I have to deal with while trying to organize dinner for 11 people? I'd really like to not feel this way, if anyone has any thoughts about overcoming this sort of thing. I think part of it is that I have no idea how to negotiate the physical side of things if the three of us are in one place. Usually he is a very physically affectionate towards me (and presumably towards her?) and I have no idea what will happen on thanksgiving. (also I don't want to make my guests uncomfortable who don't know the situation).
I'm sorry that was long. Thanks so much for any input.